Happiness is a state of satisfaction, and appreciation with life.  It can be passed around in a emotional kind of way.

Budda said it best — Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.–

Makes one think how do we stay happy and be that one Candle can that has light thousands. By creating your own happiness through action and thought I can be happy. It has taken me years to understand that concept. That only I can change my life. No one else can do it for me or to me. That if I want happiness I have to embrace it and change myself. Other may start the flame but I have to maintain it.

Happiness can be hard at times I am a glass if half empty type person.  You really have to be understanding and have you goals play out for Happiness to occur, but once you fail with a major goal sadness starts to creep on the outer edges. We become unsatisfied with life. If it happens enough we become disillusioned and unhappy. Yet if we understand that we can bend and reshape our lives toward happiness by acknowledging that our goals can realign again. We can then feel that we are worthy of being happy again.

We have to enjoy what we do, the people we are around, Know that we can depend on loved ones. We can’t force, coerce, or otherwise manhandle what is considered and emotion and special. We have to be active, participate, and sometimes we need to do the things we love, be with people we love, and like. In order to be happy.



The power to say I will.

It is Storming outside, I thought this would be a really good time to write about the power of saying I WILL.  So as you know I have been having problems with my life and with in the last couple of years I have been trying my hardest to change my life around. I am all about science and the power behind the mind I still believe in a goddess but that is for another time. I started reading Thinner, Leaner, Stronger and I have to say the science is very sound I did a lot of my own research and came to almost the same conclusions as the author. When it came to the Willpower Chapter I was intrigued. I have done a lot of research on how to get myself motivated to do things and he had some pretty good ideas I won’t give you his ideas because that wouldn’t be fair to him you can go get his book or go to his website.

Anyway what I have found myself is to take baby steps. Yep start with something easy. For me it was my Financial plan. I took all the bills from my husband. Told him he couldn’t use the Credit cards at all. Made  a general budget. Then started to go through and see how I could do a snow ball on the credit card bills. It has taken some time but I am gradually making progress. Although there are times I want to slap my husband silly he can’t seem to keep his hands off the credit cards and this is what makes me really depressed, But I found a solution if he can’t pay his own credit cards I am not paying them he pays them himself or not at all. I can’t live being bankrupt again.

So Now I am moving on with my life. I am setting goals. Yes that is a major thing in Willpower. Goal setting is something everyone should do. You have to have purpose to your life. You can’t live for others. In fact, I tried that and well my expectation were just too high and it fell through. I can reliably say that you must live your own life. Don’t rely to much on other people they either will let you down or will not get the job done because they feel they don’t need to do it and in the end you feel like a failure. So Goals are needed for you live your life the way you want to.

My goals are general then broken down to more manageable smaller goals. Such as

Grow a large garden. This is a general goal.

My smaller goals are to 1. kill off weeds although this feels like a huge task.  I just need to get enough cardboard and mulch to do this. 2. Put up fence. 3. Mark out beds. 4. place a concrete walk space. 5. Put up greenhouse.

So as you can see this is one of my goals and it is going to take a little while to get it done.

Other goals I have are to Become Healthier, To get a house, To visit new places, To make friends (this to me I really hard), To have new experiences, To get my husband to exercise(still working out the kinks on that one I don’t want to be a nag.)

So the power to say I will do this Is to basically get up and do it. Yes I do try to make excuses but as you can see I am writing my blog again and I promised my self that one of my goals was to write.

Body Shaming and Sexualizing Children

Okay so I got on today and started reading about a Girl that Got Sexualized by her Teacher and sent to the office because of her clothing. This of course is not the only time I have heard of this and I know many others hear about it also all across the country.   Here is the Article: Teen Sexualized and Body Shamed.

Yet, It really made me think about the time my son was in Kindergarten. We as adults tend to sexualize everything. We try not to but sex is a big thing to us. We get embarrassed, we shy away from the subject, we don’t want to think about it but we do. Anyway, when my Son was five years old he gave a hug and a kiss on the cheek to a girl this got him sent to the office for inappropriate touching. Inappropriate Touching from a five year old hummm. One they don’t think like we do this to me is innocent touching either as reassurance or to tell someone you think as a friend that you care about them. I argued with the principle about this I mean they are 5 years old if they where 12,13,14 and up I might question the touching but at 5 no, no, no. My son and I had a talk about the touching to which I had to explain that some people don’t like you to touch others in that way (to which I then had to tell him that adults don’t think like he does and tell him that it was a sexual overture to the girl; then explain what sex was which of course goes to my point that it embarrasses us). And this disgusted me that I had to explain to my 5 year old what sex was; he really didn’t need to know this information yet and I still had to talk to him about it ugg. The rules for us should not be the rules for a five thru 10 year old.

Children as a whole at ages 1 to about 12 do not think of sex. They do not think of sex unless they are being sexually abused. Which I have experience with I was Sexually abused as a child. I was shammed into thinking it was my fault that it was happening because I was a bad little girl. Yet because of my mentality I understood in some way that this man was wrong, but because he threated to hurt my mother, sister, and brother I said nothing  and allowed it to happen because I had no idea of what to do or how to deal with what was happening I was trapped. When all I had to do was tell a teacher or other adult. I don’t know if my mother would have believed me; She says she would have but I really have my doubts. When I was in ninth grade all this came out. I guess my mother was going thru somethings and found pictures of me naked with her ex I am not really sure but the guy got put in jail for child abuse and child pornography and I helped put him there. It also came out that he was abusing my brother and sister also while I was trying to protect them. It is now a case of what I know now if I knew then sort of guilt. Can’t change it yet it still happened.

Looking at that picture of the girl (that is Fully covered by the way) made me think really people I sometimes wear less to work. I am a plus sized woman with a DD Bust with a strict dress code at work and I can wear less than this girl could. What do they want her to wear a burka. But this all goes back to a dress code that really sexualizes girls and young women. One hardly ever sees a dress code for the male gender. If they really want them to wear certain clothing they should make them wear uniforms or Dress shirts and pants that they provide for sale to the parents. In fact make it like a corporate setting and make them wear suits that would make everything easier not to mention instill a “dress for success” mentality. It also gets rid of the competitiveness of dressing up or who is richer and who is poorer, because they wear the same clothing all year long.

The idea that girls should control what they are wearing to keep boys from being distracted is just dumb. This damaging claim perpetuates rape culture and reinforces the myth that it’s up to women and girls to prevent men from committing sexual violence. The idea that it is the fault of the girl for not keeping herself covered is such a myth and outright stupidity I just want to yell and scream. Men and boys will do what they want regardless of what a girl wears. People in general will do what they want. We as a people should instill that they need to control their own urges. This Illinois High School has the right idea: “All students and staff should understand that they are responsible for managing their own personal ‘distractions’ without regulating individual students’ clothing/self expression.”   School girls should not be sexualized they should be treated with respect and dignity regardless of what they are wearing.

Now if we can just get the rest of the country on board.


The Eclipse

I don’t know how many of you went out on Monday to view the Solar Eclipse.  When the moon casts the shadow and covers the sun is beyond words. I have never seen a 100% coverage eclipse until yesterday.Eclipse 821201 This is picture I took with my Phone not really good quality but we forgot our camera which was really disappointing but hey its not like others weren’t taking pictures of the event.

Eclipse diamond 821201.jpg This was taken by NASA.

top-10-pictures-of-the-Eclipse-over-Nashville.jpgDon’t know who took this but its over Nashville. Love time lapse photos.

Not to mention a MEGA MOVIE.

So I don’t take many trips I am hoping to remedy that really soon. We left our house around 3am on the 21st to get to St. Claire, Missouri. This was a place that NASA said the line of the total eclipse would happen. The trip was uneventful I mean your stuck in a car for what seems like forever we stopped for breakfast and gas. We got to St. Claire I have to say there where signs everywhere for parking and how much it cost wow was all I could say many places charged upward of 30 dollars to park to see the eclipse. So knowing we saw a rest area not far from the town we went back to it we where really early all the car parking was already gone so we found a spot in a trucker area that someone in a car parked in and parked behind them at an angle we could also get out of because eventually someone parked behind us. Any way we waited I was Tailoring a dress I bought that didn’t fit in the bust area correctly. When the beginning of the eclipse was to start my daughter and I got out put on our NASA approved classes and saw the moon touch the sun which of course was amazing to see. We watched until after the moon started away from the total. So If you haven’t seen the eclipse the next one April 8th, 2024 in the Americas.



Naysayers and Body Shaming

So the other day I was at the Gym. Mind you my body is older It doesn’t look twenty anymore. Not to mention that life shows up on it now. I mean depression, sitting all day reading, scars from pregnancy really makes a woman not look that fit anymore.

So I was exercising two gorgeously fit women are also exercising. I keep doing my workout it was hot inside the air conditioner must have been out. The other women where wearing there sports bras so everyone could see because of the heat. I am not ashamed with my body I know what I look like and I know I could look better. Anyway one looked over at me after I took my shirt off so that I also was only in my sports bra. I look like the heat was getting to me, which it was. I observe people while I work out because well I do yoga and it is do the pose wait 15 to a minute 30 seconds move on to the next pose. One of the women looked me over (top to bottom) and started laughing. Not full blown outright fit but giggles none the less. So I gave her my biggest smile. You know reverse Sociology works. Her Eye brows raised, the laugh was wiped off her face. She was giving me this bewildered look. I just kept on doing my stretches and yoga poses as if nothing bothered me. But it really did hurt.

I was trying to get into shape. Really putting some effort into it. I had been doing it for several months. After that I lost all my gumption to want to go again also losing all my progress. I know what everyone is thinking I shouldn’t allow other people to put awful thoughts into my head. Yet, I don’t have a really good support group or good friends to help me dispel all the negativity with.  What other people think sinks in and ruins some of the good feeling  I had build up about working out and doing something good for my body. So I am going to try again. The next time I see them and if they laugh again. I will say a least I am here and not sitting around on my couch.

Wish I knew how to make friends. My husbands supportive but can’t go to the gym with me to many injuries with his back. I would like to have someone that would exercise with me.


Live your day as if it is your last.

Tomorrow may never come.

Live you life Happily and with love.

For Happiness and love is all you have and it is yours to give.

For if you live your life as if it is nothing

Then you become nothing.

Help those around you.

Don’t loan Money if you know it will never be paid back

give it instead.

If you see someone in need Do something.

For Today May Be your very last day to help a person.

Treat people like you want to be treated.

For if you treat those around you with Happiness and Love they will treat you and others the same.

Complaining about something doesn’t fix the problem take action.

Open your Mind, Everyone has a story.

We are all genetically the same species the outside does not show what is on the inside be happy we are all different.

If we where all the same life would be truly boring.


This is me My name is Elizabeth. Can’t remember when this picture was taken but it’s not more than a five years old.

Solar Eclipse 2017-eyes are worth saving use Protection

So I have been planning on going north for the Eclipse but I started to think how in the world am I going to see it while its happening until total Darkness or totality as it is called. So I looked it up because I am not going to risk my eyes to blindness I need them for my job looking in microscopes.

Can find a place to buy things here.


Can learn an inexpensive way to see it by making it.



I actually bought glasses for the whole family but I am also thinking I may make a pinhole tube projector big enough for both eyes think it would be pretty interesting.

The Truth is Out There. Somewhere?

Okay so I have been really trying to put my thoughts out there.  I guess I have to say where I stand first.

So I believe with my whole of me that everyone is created equal. Regardless of Skin color or other characteristics. There are always exceptions to that rule they usually regard the persons actions after the fact an example murderers, and rapists. I do believe people can change but since trust is already lost in before examples those people must earn their rights back and some can’t because they are repeat offenders. Also Mental illness is a factor I believe can cause people to not be equal but watched, most people with certain mental illnesses can cause a ton of harm either to themselves or others, especially if they can’t figure out what is real and what isn’t or they have compulsions that cause harm.   I also believe that this small section of our population is under diagnosed and not being treated and there isn’t places to put people that need treatment.

On that note, I have really tried my best to find the truth of a story even if it is one I would like to believe. I like the saying that never judge people unless you have been in their shoes even then you shouldn’t judge because their circumstances may be different. It upsets me to no end when people can’t or are not willing to find out the truth. Take Facebook for example I see so many fake stories that it isn’t funny and probably ruins a lot of lives.

So I look for sites that hopefully try to find out the truth behind the story, Because of how many Fake News sites are out there.  Of course I will give you the site I use, but fair warning I am not completely sure they all tell the unbiased truth.

Polifact www.politifact.com/

Factcheck www.factcheck.org

Snopes www.snopes.com/

Truth or Fiction http://www.truthorfiction.org/

Favorite Bread Recipe

This is my Lammas bread.


  1. 4 cups (1 lb, 4 oz / 566 grams) all-purpose flour
  2. 1 Tablespoons instant yeast
  3. 2 Tablespoons honey
  4. 6 Tablespoons oil ( your favorite neutral oil, or melted butter) I personally Like butter
  5. 4 1/2 cups (2 pounds / 908 grams) warm milk (or water), about 85° F
  6. About 8 cups  bread flour  or more all purpose flour (Probably will not use the whole 8 Cups but you might I have during high humidity most likely though it will be more around 6 cups)
  7. 1½ Tablespoons (22 grams) salt

Directions: This recipe produces three loaves.


Proof yeast in milk and honey until nice and frothy.

In a very large bowl, sift the all-purpose flour (I use a wooden spoon for stirring and a really large Glass Bowl). Make a small well in the middle of the flour mixture and pour in the oil and the milk.

Mix well, then continue to stir vigorously, slowly adding 1 cup of the bread flour at a time and stirring it in, until you’ve added 3 to 4 cups of bread flour and have a sticky, shaggy dough; this should take a few minutes.

Resting (Autolyze):

Cover the bowl with oil sprayed plastic wrap or wet damp(not dripping but not too dry) tea towel and let it rest for 20 minutes. (I keep stacks of these in a cabinet drawer and use them constantly all around the kitchen). This rest period is called the autolyze.


Add the salt and 1 more cup of sifted bread flour and stir it in as best you can. Add another cup of bread flour if the dough is still too sticky to knead repeat as needed. Turn the dough out onto a floured work surface and knead it with floured hands until the dough is soft and smooth, about 8 to 10 minutes.

Try not to over flour that is the reason I sift the flour just need it to get smooth and elastic no stickiness

As you’re kneading, sprinkle a little more flour at a time as needed to keep it from sticking to your hands or the work surface. You want the dough to be as soft as possible without being sticky; you may not need the entire eight cups of bread flour, or you may need a little extra.


Using a Bowl that is twice the size of the dough I oil the dough and the container just enough to coat and allow to rest till double in size (when Container is full). Cover with Plastic wrap or lid if bowl comes with it which mine does.

Set the dough somewhere that is preferably between 70°F and 75°F (this is my oven with the light on) until it has doubled in size, around 90 to 130 Minutes (1 1/2hrs to 2 hrs 10 mins).  May need longer just depends on temp and amount of yeast. I like to leave overnight (this is why only 1 TBSP). Ideally, the dough itself should be between 70°F and 75°F. It’s fine if your dough is cooler; it’ll just take longer to rise and will end up even tastier.

I heat the milk to about 100°F (don’t make it any hotter or you’ll risk killing the yeast). If you keep your flour in the freezer (it’s the best place to store whole grain flours which I would do if I had a bigger Freezer that’s where my dad always kept his), use warmer milk, or let the flour come to room temperature first. It’s easy to check the temperature of your dough and ingredients with an inexpensive thermometer. I use a candy thermometer for Liquids and a Dial thermometer with a pointy end for thicker stuff like bread and meat.

When the dough is ready to be shaped, you should be able to push a floured finger deep into it and leave an indentation that doesn’t spring back.  That means it has extended all it can and is really spongy.


Turn the risen dough out onto a lightly floured work surface, flattening gently with your hands to break up any large air bubbles. Divide the dough into three equal pieces. The easiest way to divide up dough into loaves or rolls is with a stainless steel dough scraper, also called a bench scraper or pastry scraper. I have two,  the metal one from above and a plastic one, and they’re always in constant use. Nothing works better for cleaning up the counter after working with something that is sticky or floury. Which can be quite messy. Can use them like a squeegee and work your way around the mess to pick it all up.

Shape it to loaves to put in bread pans this is a sandwich bread after all. Oil the bread pans and place loaves in pans.  Place pans back in warm spot and cover with plastic wrap sprayed with oil.

Rising Number Two

Allow them to rise until the dough springs back just a little when you gently poke it with a floured finger, about 40 to 60 minutes this could be longer or shorter depending on temp, and altitude.

If you let the loaves rise too long, they may not have enough energy left to rise once they’re in the oven, and they may even collapse. I have over proofed several times just need to find that happy Middle where I don’t cause a blowout but under proofing or collapses with over proofing.

Bake at 375° for 35 minutes, or until the loaves are golden brown and the bottoms sound hollow if tapped (you need to carefully remove a loaf from the pan to check this).

Remove the loaves immediately from the pans and let them cool on a wire rack. The bread will continue to bake inside while it’s cooling, so try to wait at least 40 minutes before cutting into a loaf.

Store at room temperature or freeze in zipper freezer bags. I like to use the 2.5 gallon jumbo zipper food storage bags, which will fit two loaves. Make sure the loaves are completely cooled before sealing in bags. If you have a bread box wrap in a tea towel and place in clean bread box. If it is anything like in my house it will be gone before the next day. Of course now that Lammas I take two loaves out to the garden for the birds and other animals that come into it.





Aug 1st 2017 is around the Corner

Lammas is right around the corner I hope everyone is ready. I know I’m not. Not to worry though it is just me. So I will celebrate on my own. You should look at my Lammas page I will most likely update it this week.

My children aren’t really interested in my beliefs they have there own which I want for them. That is to have their own mind which I constantly remind them that they should research everything and not buy into the rhetoric, Bigotry, and Bull. They should be open to everything and everyone opinion but also make up there own mind.

Its just to frigging hot. So So So HOt!! If you didn’t catch that HOT!!! Don’t feel like doing anything anywhere hot. And it is just going to get Hotter. I can’t believe some people don’t believe in climate change but what ever. I mean glaciers are melting. What are our children going to do when they can’t grow their own food. Hopefully this doesn’t happen but I have a feeling that over crowding, and rising temperatures is going to make for some ugly wars over resources in 50 or so years.  Mostly over water and farmable land.  But what can I do I am just one person that blogs.

The Bugs seem to be out in full force to this year. I can’t believe that I have seen more horse flies, Robber flies, blister beetles and other bugs not to mention chiggers than any other year and that is saying something. (I am scared of the darn flies they bite and it hurts not to mention some lay eggs UGG don’t want a bot fly larva on me YUCK!!) The mosquitoes are horrible they carry a really horrible disease Zika that causes major birth defects and since it is a virus affects adults in ways that are not quiet researched all they way but still can cause some major health issues. Of Course they also carry other diseases such as West Nile, Equine encephalitis, malaria the list goes on and on. Truthfully, I think the Mother is fighting back there are to many humans in the world and this sad thing is birth control.  Yet Science will prevail hopefully. Heck Working in the hospital lab I have seen a several cases of tick born diseases. I have only seen one case in 6 years before this. Things are really bad this year.

Which brings me to my ranting session. Our health Care sucks but if the republicans change the laws its going to suck even more. Where are my rights as a women that needs care it this debacle? I mean they are trying to cut women’s health care. Most Women are poor working class. So you defund Medicare and what do you get women with out healthcare. With out the family planning they need. Then there is there is the defunding of Planned Parenthood this is a really sad day.  UGG this is so Conservative Tea Party Bigotry. Just makes me so mad. See below.





Still can believe Trump the liar was Elected into office when the majority of Americans didn’t vote for him we need to get rid of electoral voting it is no longer relevant to todays society. Okay so end of rant.



Having a Life :Still working on it

Boy the weather is warming up in fact it is scorching outside now. Will have to figure out how to keep the plants watered and weeded guess I will have to go out earlier in the morning or later in the evening when the sun is at its lowest otherwise I may get heat stroke.

I have been trying to improve myself. I started making small changes in my life. Just wish I understood how to make friends easily I feel like an outcast.  So small changes.

I save money for myself to use on stuff anything that I may want. It is only 20 dollars a paycheck. Yet, I can buy clothing, or go out to eat, or even attend so function because I have put money aside to live my life.

I am now a member of a gym. I try to go at least twice a week. I just have to move more being in my forties well I am not a spring chicken anymore I am overweight and realized that I spent most of my life sitting or laying down not good for the body. It was probably also contributing to depression, mood swings, pain in my legs and a whole boat load of other problems. I am just glad I haven’t had to be on any major medications.

I work on my garden a little everyday or every other day depends on weather saves on having to do a major weeding or pulling out plants that are infested with blister beetle. I live so far away from a city that I actually have a little thief in my garden tends to like the bird seed and the sweet potatoes. I think its the deer eating the leaves of the sweet potatoes, the bird seed though has me stumped it broke the bottom of the can I was keeping it in. So it could be a raccoon or possum not really sure.  Also I see deer and a faun, guineas, skunks(UGG), squirrels, Beavers, Armadillos, wild pigs, raccoons, Wild Turkeys, various wild Birds ,and possums.

I am working on sleeping at night during the week which for me is very hard to do. I work a sixteen and two twelves that are centered around night in a Hospital Laboratory over the weekend leaves me very tired. I tend to sleep all day Monday and stay up Thursday night for a little while so that I can sleep on Fridays. So Technically I have three days off Tuesday, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.

I have been working on eating healthier. You would think that eating healthier would be easy It isn’t. There are just so many options at there. Such as Paleo, All Natural, Weight Watchers, Mediterranean diet, The Various Ketogenic diets, Vegan, Vegetarian. I can tell you through out my life I have tried several of these diets. They tend to work for a little while and then I want or need to have other foods that are not on the diet most of these diets are very expensive, are not very filling, have to plan and I am usually not a planner, and/or require very strict food restrictions. UGGG! Who really wants to deal with that. Certainly not me.  So My approach eat the foods I like no processed foods. Exceptions are Bread, Milk, Cheese, sour cream, yogurt, and foods that have been cooked fresh.

I have also put my books down to look outside and do these other things.

Also I am going to really try to publish more here.

So I am still working on having a life. Tring to make good friends although that eludes me.  If any one has any ideas I am all eyes. Just write a reply.

My Lifes Contiplation

So many questions. Just So Many.  A lot of WHYs. Why does this keep happening to me? Why don’t I do more? Why am I so Unhappy? Why? WHY? why? Serveral Hows? How do I do this? How did this happen? How am I going to make it in time? How can I make my life more meaningful? How can I make new friends? How? how? Couple of Whats, Whens, and Wheres. But mostly it is a lot of whys and hows.

So I have been really unhappy with my life. I don’t have any friends except for my husband. I don’t go the places I want to visit. Do the things I want to do. I just sit around the house reading books. I know what my problems are but have no idea as to how to fix them.

I used to be a very active social person. Now I am a closed off shy introvert of a person that has lost a lot of her self confidence, self worth, and self image. I no longer know who I am. Other people such as my children call me a mom. My husband calls me his wife. But I don’t feel like these people. My life no longer has true meaning. As you can tell I use this blog a lot more for therapy now than in the beginning when I would write about being Wiccan. That is about the only thing I know I am. But I don’t do rituals, celebration, and such because I feel on the out side of everything and I feel like why bother no one celebrates with me. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I can no longer call myself a lot of things I used to think. I am no longer sexy to me I know that is part of my husband impotency I just feel like I lost him. My son is graduating in as little as two weeks and will probably go off to college. (empty bird nest syndrome sneaking up on me) I am no longer active because I think why bother If I have no one to share it with not even my husband.

I wish I could find people to be my friends and accept me for me. At work I have a few people but we don’t hang out I live to far away from them. I have a huge family but the people I am close to live far away and/or serve in the military. I feel pathetic to myself, a needy clingy person who is lost in all the hustle and bustle of life. I don’t think it is midlife crisis but what do I know.

I once heard that happiness is the culmination of experiences one has in life if that is true that for the last 18 years the only real experiences I have had that have made my life happy are getting married, having my children, celebrating their achievements, going to college and graduating and that is it. We went on a one vacation in the whole 18 years. I guess past life karma is catching up with me. If this life has any say in it I guess I am the red headed step child no one truly wants.

My childhood was horrible my mother picked and abuser for a boyfriend, but you know we did more things when we were with him before she finally left him then when my mother married her husband. After she married its like she no longer wanted me around. Like she had a new family and she was going to spend all her time with them. Then there was my dads side. We did things like going to the swimming hole and camping with his buddies, but even with him If I was with mom his other family went on Vacations I never went with either side on their Vacations they waited till I was gone to the other parent and that was how my life went till my dad moved to Oklahoma and I stayed behind and finished at the same high school. I moved to much in my elementary years to have any friends and I thought I finally had friends turns out they didn’t really like me that I was a hanger on. Of course I didn’t find this out till my last year of high school when the rumors started flying about a rape, where I according to the supposed friend I allowed it to happen (Just how the did she think I allowed it when I didn’t know about it. They where boyfriend and girlfriend we stayed at his house one night never once did she scream for me  or did I hear her tell him no. In fact I think it was buyers remorse she got a virgin for a lover and he wasn’t good at it so she called rape. It took several weeks for her to say something and we spent a lot of time with him. I would have taken her side if she wouldn’t have acted so normal.  He was her first but I am pretty sure that she was not his first. After that I took his side because we had long talks he was always trying to please her maybe it was jealousy I don’t really. I enjoyed his company he was a good friend. My fiancé  left me because I took my friend side that’s when I found out he had cheated on me numerous times with several different girls god if only he realize I would have had sex with him anytime of the day at the time I truly loved him and at the time would have taken him back(not now I have to much self respect to do that and know now once a cheater almost always a cheater again). That was the year I moved in with the friend and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course we had our ups and downs for the three years we where together. I became jealous, and upset because I thought he was spending time with another woman around my 18th birthday. During the last 6 months we where to together we started to fall apart. He started to shame me and embarrass me in front of his family and our friends.  Yes I was one of those weird people that has to learn common sense and boy did those last few months make me learn quick. Then came him not respecting me as a person he would smoke in my car when I asked him not to or would do other things that annoyed me. Then I caught him doing Drugs in the bathroom and I felt betrayed because he knew I would not put up with that. The last straw happened during this massive verbal drag out fight and he got this look on his face that I remember seeing on my moms abusive boyfriend and well I turned and ran and he gave chase it scared me and I remember not being able to get away from him so sank into a ball and covered my head. He didn’t hurt me but I think I startled him with my reaction, because I do remember him asking him why I thought he would hit me and I told him it was this look he gave me when I had looked up at him during our fight. I can’t remember what the fight was about now ;but I know that I he had problems and I had problems emotional problems. We were just not right for each other. I though I had to try again to fix things that were truly not fixable I don’t think I could find a way away from him. I was going to college at the time and I was working at this gas station. I lived with him and trapped is what I felt trapped because I didn’t know where I would go from there I didn’t have any friends they all had left me I only had him. Which know that I look at it he had isolated me (I don’t think it was on purpose) away from everyone because of the rape allegation she never did press charges it had been real why didn’t she press charges. Then came my now husband in a way he saved me from a bad a very, very bad decision you see I was engaged to be married to the druggie he helped me leave him.

I got married thinking my husband was going to be fun loving I mean we did things together camped, visited other places around where we lived. Then I guess life happened we had a child and the bills piled up and before I know it 8 years later I am pregnant with our second child and trying to get through college so that I could make better than minimum wage. Through that time he started to become bitter, and pain filled his body started to fall apart.  We have very few memories doing things other than going to work, restaurants, playing video games and celebrating the occasions birthdays, holidays and such.  He is my only true friend we spend almost all our time together . He has taken care of me he worked hard. It took me years to find his faults and now that he is at home all the time I have found them. He is horrible with finances. Where once he took care of the bills I do now. We went bankrupt and I told him no more credit cards. Then I though we need to build our credit again I said one credit card to get a computer for me and few other things for him. Once I had that card he used my info and got many more credit lines. If I hadn’t gave him a year to pay them down and make money on his business neither happened and here I am with the bills. He is horrible with the children and delegation  where I would have gotten them to do more chores he does them himself.  He does make dinner. He breaks promises. Don’t get me wrong I have flaws, I know I am lazy, I would rather get it done and over with than let it linger when I have a job, I am a slob not a dirty slob but disorganized slob. I try to make decisions slowly most of the time other times I think I am a sucker and jump right in with the decision. I don’t show emotion like I should and some times thing build up inside me. I am horrible when I am tired my brain just doesn’t work right. I am to much INTJ I am not comfortable with others although I want friends badly it take me for ever to get comfortable with other people then I don’t think people like me for me. I am a wall flower that likes to read a lot.

I am the little forget me not in the corner that has been forgotten to be watered.

The tissue tulip that has been squashed.

The fragile rose wilting in the sun.

My shell is that of chocolate sugar coat  that melts to the gooey marshmallow filling.


Humm Me and other things.

So I have come to several conclusions 1. I am horrible at keeping at anything with out motivation. 2. I really need a house very hard to do exercises outside in the rain and very miserable that I give up and come in. 3. I hate fling insects Mosquitos, Deer flies, Biting Flies ( Which can take a hunk of flesh when they bite and boy does that hurt had a knot, sore, and bruise for two weeks). All this culminates in me not liking to exercise outside. So what is a person such as I to do. Well I considered going to the gym. But there again I need motivation and I am just not motivated not to mention that I am out of money trying to pay of my bills (be happy for me I paid off 4 bills Hoorahh two more years to go to have them all paid off).

I want to get lost I guess. I read like constantly, must read like 2 books a day they are like Xanax to me. I know I am trying to escape. I guess depression is a more of a problem then I thought humm.

I don’t have many friends and I think they are more of work acquaintances I just don’t hang out with them except at work. I have a very large family but most of them live far away. I visit one sister all the time. I feel lonely, awkward, and unwanted even by my husband at times. I am awkward because I am so INTJ according to Myers-Briggs psychological type. So allow me to explain.


  • I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy).
  • N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  • T – Thinking preferred to feeling: INTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference or sentiment. When making decisions they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  • J – Judgment is auxiliary function (J or P illustrates auxiliary to introverts): INTJs tend to approach life in a structured way, planning and organising their world to achieve their goals.


And Believe it or not but that sounds exactly like me.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.— Sandra Krebs Hirsch

I also have a hard time explaining what I am thinking to others. To them it doesn’t make sense or I am not explaining in a way they understand but makes total sense to me. I tend to not say anything because most of the time I can’t explain what I am thinking. It can cause fights or misunderstandings sometimes.
This I believe is the reason I find it hard to find friends. Wikipedia :{As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types, an impression that is not always intended, and may not be true at all. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.} A lot of people like Drama and I really, really, really, hate Drama.  I am very Socially Awkward and always seem to make mistakes or feel rejected. Unless they are other INTJs which I work a lot with although not all are and those people tend to understand me to some extent although.
I know I tend to put myself in a box, But for me this is the easiest way to explain.
So I am a unmotivated, escapist, Socially Awkward, shy, lonely person and I want to change. But Change Is SO, SO Difficult and takes these tiny steps when I want to jump to the end. I keep hearing in my head just keep going just keep going. I guess hopefully I will change something in myself eventually.

Change is a Challenge

Change is hard at First Messy in the middle and Gorgeous at the end. — Robin Sharma

Weight Loss

So I have been trying for years to lose Weight. The motivation to keep at it though is just not there. When you live with people that don’t want to change what they eat the temptation is to great to want to eat those high calorie foods.

This year though I think I am going to try and blog about it hopefully once a week maybe more if I get a particular craving or want to eat emotionally.

I am going to try to work on

1. meal planning

2. Yoga(this is really hard just don’t have the room inside and don’t have a covered heated or cooled outside area.

3. getting my butt moving more going outside and hike around (I used to love to do these things before I got married then Life Happened)

4. Sticking to that meal plan and the 1200 calories I am going to eat trying meat, veg and fruits cutting back on grain foods and some dairy foods still going to eat sourcream, yogurt, butter, and cheese but more moderately.

I thought about going Paleo but I know I can’t stick to that I love bread and dairy to much. Not to mention that the food is down right expensive unless you can buy it discounted or get it free.

I am the consummate researcher.  So this morning I made a spreadsheet for meal planning and exercise still tweaking it, but when I am finished I will put it on here. Perhaps I will also put the meals I eat on here to since although I will have a meal plan I am not one to plan very well and stick to it. I did buy a subscription to a Daily Yoga program on google play store for my tablet this is the cheaper alternative to the gym or walking on a dirt road and so far really like it. I do know I will have to do the same program over and over to build strength and flexablity but eventually I will be able to do harder and harder sequences.

So If you all have your own struggles in this area I would love to hear it.

Bless be!


Computer Crashes and Restoring

I didn’t realize just how much work it can be to restore a computer after it crashes completely and the main program is infected with a virus. I has taken me weeks to get to the point that I can sort through the saved backups. Which I am just glad that I backed up my whole computer a week before the crash just had that feeling and followed it in that Just in Case way I have after I think the Goddess has warned me about something. She doesn’t talk to often and sometimes I think that she is teaching me by not saying anything but I try to listen and on this occasion I did and am glad for it.

But the work  just to restore all my Pictures, Documents, Music, ebooks, etc. is tiring.  I am sorting through 4 different back ups  from different years getting rid of things that are duplicates, Organizing better so that I can find stuff faster and basically going why did I put this off for so long. I am still sorting but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it wont seem so tedious when it is finally done.

I don’t know what virus got downloaded just that for some reason my antivirus software wasn’t working. The next thing I know is my hard drive is filling up fast. So I shut it down and started the restore feature of my Notebook of course had to look it up on the internet to know what to do. I restarted to factor set up. Downloaded Norton Antivirus Scanned to make sure no lingering effects from the virus and started to download all windows up dates on Windows 8. It took 4 days to get from 8  to 8.1 and another 3 days to get to Windows 10 Thought this would be a nice upgrade for myself so far it is okay had to update a lot of drivers to get everything working properly took another 2 days. Then started to put back all m programs, which some worked  and several that Windows and others want you to upgrade did not so sat around looking for cheaper alternatives to Windows Excel and word, Adobe and such I can’t afford to buy or rent programs while I am still trying to payoff my bills. So I find the alternatives and download them along with updated versions of other programs I use that didn’t cost me a thing to upgrade. Lastly, but the most harrowing of tasks was restoring my backups and  I try to back up every few months plus a few things I put aside on the drive.

To make a long story shorter. The drive was almost full so it was time to condense and get rid of duplicated stuff. I bet many of you don’t realize how unorganized your file system is I sure didn’t until I put everything back on the computer I must have found 5 different files of the same thing where over the years I placed it in different areas on the disk then I would find things I thought I had lost forever and had to put them in a new area So I set up a sorted and to sort folder put all my working folders on desktop and started to go through them. Suffice it to say I am still working on it. Although the light is weak it gives me hope that I will eventually finish the job. So wish me luck. And baring any other catastrophies. I should be up and writing again.

Bills, Bills and More Bills

Recently, I started to fret about Bills. I had already gone Bankrupt once and didn’t want it to happen again. My husband had been doing the bills but didn’t understand why I was worrying. I don’t know if any man or woman that doesn’t already save Money truly understands that Credit Cards are not Savings Accounts. The Interest alone kills any money you may have extra. So here I am going over our situation I turn to my husband and go “Do you not understand that if something were to happen to me you would have no money?” and He turns to me and Says ,”I have my Credit Cards We will be fine.” I just look at him Sadly pitty poring out.  No he doesn’t understand even though I tried to explain he thinks he is right and I am wrong.

So I am going to try to explain what I can here and hope others understand. Credit Cards are a bane of our very existence we become slaves to paying off bills we can’t afford. So I will give an example:

Credit Care Say Walmart interest rate 27.00% with a balance of $2000.  Minimum payments of $50.00. Without the interest it would take a little over 3 years to pay off. With the interest rate it would take eight years because you are paying 2768.30 for the interest fees. So on top of the $2000 you have to add $2768.30 which equals $4768.30. I would rather not have that extra money going out. Of course this is just a hypothetical Credit card.

I figured this out by using  the Trees full of money Excel Debt Snow Ball . This is a usefull excel spreadsheet. I also made up a few sheets of my own for your use.  I hope you like and are able to use.Bi Monthly Budget Blank. I Can make up others for you all if you request it.

Has been awhile

Sorry to have left for such a very long while life though tends to get in the way. I am back so watch for more posts

Being Poor

Being Poor. Is living in an 8×8 van conversion with 4 people on dads property having to make a septic pond behind it and covering it with lime you took from you dads house and cut grass from the farm down the road so that it won’t smell.

Being poor is going days without food so that your children wont starve.  And having a family member buy you food because they know you don’t have any. And do the same for them when they don’t have any and you have a little extra money.

Being poor is going without heat, water, and electricity because you didn’t have enough to pay the bills because you bought food instead and decided that you can go to the creek and get the water, build a fire for heat, and use the fire for light.

Being poor is getting hand downs from friends so that you can clothe your children and yourself.

Being poor is hoping that no one will take your children a way because you are poor.

Being poor in making sure that your vegatable garden is well taken care of  so that youll have food through the winter. Scavenging at night on others farms for food(usually in wooded areas). Setting traps for rabbits and other animals to get protein. And fishing a lot in areas that police won’t catch you(Because you can afford the fishing licence or taking you children and saying their fishing so you don’t get fined..)

Being poor is hunting in the off season to feed your family and hoping you wont get caught.

Being poor is walking every where .

Being poor is having a vegetable garden from 10 cent seeds you bought and saving seed from a few that you left in the ground to go to seed.

Being poor is using everything, fixing it yourself if it breaks, and hoping the fix doesn’t break again, or finding other ways to use everything.

Being poor is never throwing anything out just in case you can use it for something else.

Being poor is using the library to learn new skills because you can’t afford to go to college even on a scholarship and with assistance.

Being poor is the rich being in a glass bottom boat where your underneath it with a rope holding you under and they tell you that your good for nothing when you are good at a lot of things,except making money because you don’t understand all the crap that banks do to take money, you can’t save because everything is expensive to you, and you just want to strangle the guy above you because he is rich and not doing anything to help you get ahead….


It is taking me a long time to climb out. But now I am teaching my children about what I understand about money. We still can’t save anything yet we are still living paycheck to paycheck but at least I figured out a way to get an education I owe a ton of money but hopefully my children wont owe a thing because I will take care of it all and have all the debt and when I die everything will be in their name and what ever money and such that is left they can pay the bills from there. Hopefully they wont have to pay those bills out of their money….

Happy Imbolic!!

Hope everyone had a happy day..


« Older entries