My Lifes Contiplation

So many questions. Just So Many.  A lot of WHYs. Why does this keep happening to me? Why don’t I do more? Why am I so Unhappy? Why? WHY? why? Serveral Hows? How do I do this? How did this happen? How am I going to make it in time? How can I make my life more meaningful? How can I make new friends? How? how? Couple of Whats, Whens, and Wheres. But mostly it is a lot of whys and hows.

So I have been really unhappy with my life. I don’t have any friends except for my husband. I don’t go the places I want to visit. Do the things I want to do. I just sit around the house reading books. I know what my problems are but have no idea as to how to fix them.

I used to be a very active social person. Now I am a closed off shy introvert of a person that has lost a lot of her self confidence, self worth, and self image. I no longer know who I am. Other people such as my children call me a mom. My husband calls me his wife. But I don’t feel like these people. My life no longer has true meaning. As you can tell I use this blog a lot more for therapy now than in the beginning when I would write about being Wiccan. That is about the only thing I know I am. But I don’t do rituals, celebration, and such because I feel on the out side of everything and I feel like why bother no one celebrates with me. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I can no longer call myself a lot of things I used to think. I am no longer sexy to me I know that is part of my husband impotency I just feel like I lost him. My son is graduating in as little as two weeks and will probably go off to college. (empty bird nest syndrome sneaking up on me) I am no longer active because I think why bother If I have no one to share it with not even my husband.

I wish I could find people to be my friends and accept me for me. At work I have a few people but we don’t hang out I live to far away from them. I have a huge family but the people I am close to live far away and/or serve in the military. I feel pathetic to myself, a needy clingy person who is lost in all the hustle and bustle of life. I don’t think it is midlife crisis but what do I know.

I once heard that happiness is the culmination of experiences one has in life if that is true that for the last 18 years the only real experiences I have had that have made my life happy are getting married, having my children, celebrating their achievements, going to college and graduating and that is it. We went on a one vacation in the whole 18 years. I guess past life karma is catching up with me. If this life has any say in it I guess I am the red headed step child no one truly wants.

My childhood was horrible my mother picked and abuser for a boyfriend, but you know we did more things when we were with him before she finally left him then when my mother married her husband. After she married its like she no longer wanted me around. Like she had a new family and she was going to spend all her time with them. Then there was my dads side. We did things like going to the swimming hole and camping with his buddies, but even with him If I was with mom his other family went on Vacations I never went with either side on their Vacations they waited till I was gone to the other parent and that was how my life went till my dad moved to Oklahoma and I stayed behind and finished at the same high school. I moved to much in my elementary years to have any friends and I thought I finally had friends turns out they didn’t really like me that I was a hanger on. Of course I didn’t find this out till my last year of high school when the rumors started flying about a rape, where I according to the supposed friend I allowed it to happen (Just how the did she think I allowed it when I didn’t know about it. They where boyfriend and girlfriend we stayed at his house one night never once did she scream for me  or did I hear her tell him no. In fact I think it was buyers remorse she got a virgin for a lover and he wasn’t good at it so she called rape. It took several weeks for her to say something and we spent a lot of time with him. I would have taken her side if she wouldn’t have acted so normal.  He was her first but I am pretty sure that she was not his first. After that I took his side because we had long talks he was always trying to please her maybe it was jealousy I don’t really. I enjoyed his company he was a good friend. My fiancé  left me because I took my friend side that’s when I found out he had cheated on me numerous times with several different girls god if only he realize I would have had sex with him anytime of the day at the time I truly loved him and at the time would have taken him back(not now I have to much self respect to do that and know now once a cheater almost always a cheater again). That was the year I moved in with the friend and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course we had our ups and downs for the three years we where together. I became jealous, and upset because I thought he was spending time with another woman around my 18th birthday. During the last 6 months we where to together we started to fall apart. He started to shame me and embarrass me in front of his family and our friends.  Yes I was one of those weird people that has to learn common sense and boy did those last few months make me learn quick. Then came him not respecting me as a person he would smoke in my car when I asked him not to or would do other things that annoyed me. Then I caught him doing Drugs in the bathroom and I felt betrayed because he knew I would not put up with that. The last straw happened during this massive verbal drag out fight and he got this look on his face that I remember seeing on my moms abusive boyfriend and well I turned and ran and he gave chase it scared me and I remember not being able to get away from him so sank into a ball and covered my head. He didn’t hurt me but I think I startled him with my reaction, because I do remember him asking him why I thought he would hit me and I told him it was this look he gave me when I had looked up at him during our fight. I can’t remember what the fight was about now ;but I know that I he had problems and I had problems emotional problems. We were just not right for each other. I though I had to try again to fix things that were truly not fixable I don’t think I could find a way away from him. I was going to college at the time and I was working at this gas station. I lived with him and trapped is what I felt trapped because I didn’t know where I would go from there I didn’t have any friends they all had left me I only had him. Which know that I look at it he had isolated me (I don’t think it was on purpose) away from everyone because of the rape allegation she never did press charges it had been real why didn’t she press charges. Then came my now husband in a way he saved me from a bad a very, very bad decision you see I was engaged to be married to the druggie he helped me leave him.

I got married thinking my husband was going to be fun loving I mean we did things together camped, visited other places around where we lived. Then I guess life happened we had a child and the bills piled up and before I know it 8 years later I am pregnant with our second child and trying to get through college so that I could make better than minimum wage. Through that time he started to become bitter, and paid filled his body started to fall apart.  We have very few memories doing things other than going to work, restaurants, playing video games and celebrating the occasions birthdays, holidays and such.  He is my only true friend we spend almost all our time together . He has taken care of me he worked hard. It took me years to find his faults and now that he is at home all the time I have found them. He is horrible with finances. Where once he took care of the bills I do now. We went bankrupt and I told him no more credit cards. Then I though we need to build our credit again I said one credit card to get a computer for me and few other things for him. Once I had that card he used my info and got many more credit lines. If I hadn’t gave him a year to pay them down and make money on his business neither happened and here I am with the bills. He is horrible with the children and delegation  where I would have gotten them to do more chores he does them himself.  He does make dinner. He breaks promises. Don’t get me wrong I have flaws, I know I am lazy, I would rather get it done and over with than let it linger when I have a job, I am a slob not a dirty slob but disorganized slob. I try to make decisions slowly most of the time other times I think I am a sucker and jump right in with the decision. I don’t show emotion like I should and some times thing build up inside me. I am horrible when I am tired my brain just doesn’t work right. I am to much INTJ I am not comfortable with others although I want friends badly it take me for ever to get comfortable with other people then I don’t think people like me for me. I am a wall flower that likes to read a lot.

I am the little forget me not in the corner that has been forgotten to be watered.

The tissue tulip that has been squashed.

The fragile rose wilting in the sun.

My shell is that of chocolate sugar coat  that melts to the gooey marshmallow filling.

 

Humm Me and other things.

So I have come to several conclusions 1. I am horrible at keeping at anything with out motivation. 2. I really need a house very hard to do exercises outside in the rain and very miserable that I give up and come in. 3. I hate fling insects Mosquitos, Deer flies, Biting Flies ( Which can take a hunk of flesh when they bite and boy does that hurt had a knot, sore, and bruise for two weeks). All this culminates in me not liking to exercise outside. So what is a person such as I to do. Well I considered going to the gym. But there again I need motivation and I am just not motivated not to mention that I am out of money trying to pay of my bills (be happy for me I paid off 4 bills Hoorahh two more years to go to have them all paid off).

I want to get lost I guess. I read like constantly, must read like 2 books a day they are like Xanax to me. I know I am trying to escape. I guess depression is a more of a problem then I thought humm.

I don’t have many friends and I think they are more of work acquaintances I just don’t hang out with them except at work. I have a very large family but most of them live far away. I visit one sister all the time. I feel lonely, awkward, and unwanted even by my husband at times. I am awkward because I am so INTJ according to Myers-Briggs psychological type. So allow me to explain.

Wikipedia:

  • I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy).
  • N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  • T – Thinking preferred to feeling: INTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference or sentiment. When making decisions they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  • J – Judgment is auxiliary function (J or P illustrates auxiliary to introverts): INTJs tend to approach life in a structured way, planning and organising their world to achieve their goals.

 

And Believe it or not but that sounds exactly like me.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.— Sandra Krebs Hirsch

I also have a hard time explaining what I am thinking to others. To them it doesn’t make sense or I am not explaining in a way they understand but makes total sense to me. I tend to not say anything because most of the time I can’t explain what I am thinking. It can cause fights or misunderstandings sometimes.
This I believe is the reason I find it hard to find friends. Wikipedia :{As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types, an impression that is not always intended, and may not be true at all. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.} A lot of people like Drama and I really, really, really, hate Drama.  I am very Socially Awkward and always seem to make mistakes or feel rejected. Unless they are other INTJs which I work a lot with although not all are and those people tend to understand me to some extent although.
I know I tend to put myself in a box, But for me this is the easiest way to explain.
So I am a unmotivated, escapist, Socially Awkward, shy, lonely person and I want to change. But Change Is SO, SO Difficult and takes these tiny steps when I want to jump to the end. I keep hearing in my head just keep going just keep going. I guess hopefully I will change something in myself eventually.

Change is a Challenge

Change is hard at First Messy in the middle and Gorgeous at the end. — Robin Sharma

Weight Loss

So I have been trying for years to lose Weight. The motivation to keep at it though is just not there. When you live with people that don’t want to change what they eat the temptation is to great to want to eat those high calorie foods.

This year though I think I am going to try and blog about it hopefully once a week maybe more if I get a particular craving or want to eat emotionally.

I am going to try to work on

1. meal planning

2. Yoga(this is really hard just don’t have the room inside and don’t have a covered heated or cooled outside area.

3. getting my butt moving more going outside and hike around (I used to love to do these things before I got married then Life Happened)

4. Sticking to that meal plan and the 1200 calories I am going to eat trying meat, veg and fruits cutting back on grain foods and some dairy foods still going to eat sourcream, yogurt, butter, and cheese but more moderately.

I thought about going Paleo but I know I can’t stick to that I love bread and dairy to much. Not to mention that the food is down right expensive unless you can buy it discounted or get it free.

I am the consummate researcher.  So this morning I made a spreadsheet for meal planning and exercise still tweaking it, but when I am finished I will put it on here. Perhaps I will also put the meals I eat on here to since although I will have a meal plan I am not one to plan very well and stick to it. I did buy a subscription to a Daily Yoga program on google play store for my tablet this is the cheaper alternative to the gym or walking on a dirt road and so far really like it. I do know I will have to do the same program over and over to build strength and flexablity but eventually I will be able to do harder and harder sequences.

So If you all have your own struggles in this area I would love to hear it.

Bless be!

 

Computer Crashes and Restoring

I didn’t realize just how much work it can be to restore a computer after it crashes completely and the main program is infected with a virus. I has taken me weeks to get to the point that I can sort through the saved backups. Which I am just glad that I backed up my whole computer a week before the crash just had that feeling and followed it in that Just in Case way I have after I think the Goddess has warned me about something. She doesn’t talk to often and sometimes I think that she is teaching me by not saying anything but I try to listen and on this occasion I did and am glad for it.

But the work  just to restore all my Pictures, Documents, Music, ebooks, etc. is tiring.  I am sorting through 4 different back ups  from different years getting rid of things that are duplicates, Organizing better so that I can find stuff faster and basically going why did I put this off for so long. I am still sorting but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and it wont seem so tedious when it is finally done.

I don’t know what virus got downloaded just that for some reason my antivirus software wasn’t working. The next thing I know is my hard drive is filling up fast. So I shut it down and started the restore feature of my Notebook of course had to look it up on the internet to know what to do. I restarted to factor set up. Downloaded Norton Antivirus Scanned to make sure no lingering effects from the virus and started to download all windows up dates on Windows 8. It took 4 days to get from 8  to 8.1 and another 3 days to get to Windows 10 Thought this would be a nice upgrade for myself so far it is okay had to update a lot of drivers to get everything working properly took another 2 days. Then started to put back all m programs, which some worked  and several that Windows and others want you to upgrade did not so sat around looking for cheaper alternatives to Windows Excel and word, Adobe and such I can’t afford to buy or rent programs while I am still trying to payoff my bills. So I find the alternatives and download them along with updated versions of other programs I use that didn’t cost me a thing to upgrade. Lastly, but the most harrowing of tasks was restoring my backups and  I try to back up every few months plus a few things I put aside on the drive.

To make a long story shorter. The drive was almost full so it was time to condense and get rid of duplicated stuff. I bet many of you don’t realize how unorganized your file system is I sure didn’t until I put everything back on the computer I must have found 5 different files of the same thing where over the years I placed it in different areas on the disk then I would find things I thought I had lost forever and had to put them in a new area So I set up a sorted and to sort folder put all my working folders on desktop and started to go through them. Suffice it to say I am still working on it. Although the light is weak it gives me hope that I will eventually finish the job. So wish me luck. And baring any other catastrophies. I should be up and writing again.

Bills, Bills and More Bills

Recently, I started to fret about Bills. I had already gone Bankrupt once and didn’t want it to happen again. My husband had been doing the bills but didn’t understand why I was worrying. I don’t know if any man or woman that doesn’t already save Money truly understands that Credit Cards are not Savings Accounts. The Interest alone kills any money you may have extra. So here I am going over our situation I turn to my husband and go “Do you not understand that if something were to happen to me you would have no money?” and He turns to me and Says ,”I have my Credit Cards We will be fine.” I just look at him Sadly pitty poring out.  No he doesn’t understand even though I tried to explain he thinks he is right and I am wrong.

So I am going to try to explain what I can here and hope others understand. Credit Cards are a bane of our very existence we become slaves to paying off bills we can’t afford. So I will give an example:

Credit Care Say Walmart interest rate 27.00% with a balance of $2000.  Minimum payments of $50.00. Without the interest it would take a little over 3 years to pay off. With the interest rate it would take eight years because you are paying 2768.30 for the interest fees. So on top of the $2000 you have to add $2768.30 which equals $4768.30. I would rather not have that extra money going out. Of course this is just a hypothetical Credit card.

I figured this out by using  the Trees full of money Excel Debt Snow Ball . This is a usefull excel spreadsheet. I also made up a few sheets of my own for your use.  I hope you like and are able to use.Bi Monthly Budget Blank. I Can make up others for you all if you request it.

Has been awhile

Sorry to have left for such a very long while life though tends to get in the way. I am back so watch for more posts

Being Poor

Being Poor. Is living in an 8×8 van conversion with 4 people on dads property having to make a septic pond behind it and covering it with lime you took from you dads house and cut grass from the farm down the road so that it won’t smell.

Being poor is going days without food so that your children wont starve.  And having a family member buy you food because they know you don’t have any. And do the same for them when they don’t have any and you have a little extra money.

Being poor is going without heat, water, and electricity because you didn’t have enough to pay the bills because you bought food instead and decided that you can go to the creek and get the water, build a fire for heat, and use the fire for light.

Being poor is getting hand downs from friends so that you can clothe your children and yourself.

Being poor is hoping that no one will take your children a way because you are poor.

Being poor in making sure that your vegatable garden is well taken care of  so that youll have food through the winter. Scavenging at night on others farms for food(usually in wooded areas). Setting traps for rabbits and other animals to get protein. And fishing a lot in areas that police won’t catch you(Because you can afford the fishing licence or taking you children and saying their fishing so you don’t get fined..)

Being poor is hunting in the off season to feed your family and hoping you wont get caught.

Being poor is walking every where .

Being poor is having a vegetable garden from 10 cent seeds you bought and saving seed from a few that you left in the ground to go to seed.

Being poor is using everything, fixing it yourself if it breaks, and hoping the fix doesn’t break again, or finding other ways to use everything.

Being poor is never throwing anything out just in case you can use it for something else.

Being poor is using the library to learn new skills because you can’t afford to go to college even on a scholarship and with assistance.

Being poor is the rich being in a glass bottom boat where your underneath it with a rope holding you under and they tell you that your good for nothing when you are good at a lot of things,except making money because you don’t understand all the crap that banks do to take money, you can’t save because everything is expensive to you, and you just want to strangle the guy above you because he is rich and not doing anything to help you get ahead….

 

It is taking me a long time to climb out. But now I am teaching my children about what I understand about money. We still can’t save anything yet we are still living paycheck to paycheck but at least I figured out a way to get an education I owe a ton of money but hopefully my children wont owe a thing because I will take care of it all and have all the debt and when I die everything will be in their name and what ever money and such that is left they can pay the bills from there. Hopefully they wont have to pay those bills out of their money….

Happy Imbolic!!

Hope everyone had a happy day..

Elizabeth

IMBOLIC

Imbolic — Feb 2nd 2013–

What are you going to do this Imbolic? Me personally I am going to sleep most of the day I have to work unfortunately, yet this will not stop me from do somethings.

When I get home this year I am going to light a candle. White (represent purity, purification, protection against negativity), orange(represents Charm, kindness, encouragement, stimulation, optimism, success, abundance, prosperity), Gold (represents  creativity, male energy and the sun) and Yellow (represents knowledge, vitality, Confidence, joy, cheerfulness, learning, mental clarity, concentration candles are supposed to be the best.   Can’t light many in my small home. This is the symbol of the light returning not just the sun but our inner light because as the sun returns we feel better about going out side and celebrating nature away from the cold .

Around this time of year is when the milk starts flowing. Some animals getting ready to breed and getting ready for Spring. In my area of the United States the Male Cardinals are Bright red now. I am going to put out a loaf of bread covered in peanut butter for the birds and other animals that may be struggling in my drought beaten area. Fill up the trough of water that is in the ground.  I on the other had am going to have a cup of Hot Chocolate and dream about the house I am going to build so that I will have a fire place and more room Hopefully by next year.

On my day off I plan on cleaning the house from the ceiling down to the floor. Usually I would do this on the 2nd but since the weather has been warm I am going to do it with the windows open and get every speck of dust and mold out of my house. ( I know that is not totally realistic but that is how I see it as a cleaning ritual).

This is also the start of the maiden cycle of the year.

Our Bodies— Erectile Dysfunction

The last two years have been really hard on my husband and I. Why you ask? It is because my husband is Impotent he has erectile dysfunction. That all male dreaded word that should never be spoken… You probably are asking why doesn’t he use Viagra or Cialis or some other medical treatment.  Well, He can’t they don’t work unless he gets surgery to put in a prosthetic and he really doesn’t want to do that. We have tried other treatments He gets semi hard then loses the erection we tried the pump he says it hurt him ( and truthfully after sitting their waiting and pumping and waiting and hoping it doesn’t hurt when you get the band on it can be painful and a turnoff).

I went through all the stages of grief Denial, anger, blame/bargaining, depression,   acceptance. I am now at the acceptance portion of the grief I will never ever feel my husband that intimately again. I am now trying to find an intimacy that we can do to feel closer together.Finding that intimacy with a difficult man is very challenging. Yes my husband is the most stubborn person I know besides myself. I don’t think he has made it through all the stages yet and I really want to feel that closeness we used to have. So I have been looking through all the stuff on erectile dysfunction and  How to find intimacy with your partner. The biggest thing that stood out was to explore each others bodies. Trying to do that when the other person still feels very self conscious is frustrating. But I really am trying to be patient.  I want to explore and feel him explore but only time will tell.

Perceptions

What is up with People(Adults, Teens, Men and Women ? I have been stewing for days wondering why we aren’t banding together? I just don’t understand how Adults and teens can allow things to happen that they see with their own eyes. People need to start standing up and speaking out. If they see something happening record it. Call the Police give them the information. Just don’t watch brush it off and say its not your problem. When it is… It really Is… Now I know your wondering what in the world I am talking about. I want you to really think about this. It is everything immoral… Everything that you wouldn’t want to happen to you… Everything that you wouldn’t want to happen to the most loved person in your world… It has to do with Violence, murder, rape (rape being anything that was not consented to that could have happened while drugged, a sleep, awake, a child unable to stop it), Rumors whether true or not true(Shouldn’t be re said or some one should discreetly go up to the person inform them and say that they are there to help or there to help stop it.), Bullying, the mentally ill (this really needs to be addressed to many mentally ill that can hurt people are out on the streets instead of in an institution to keep themselves as well as others safe), brutality against gays or people of color or nationality.

Too many children, Women, Teen girls are being violated. India has the idea.. We need to protest the violence against Women, Children, and others. The United states in no exception. We need the Violence against women act. But is it going to pass? Probably not since the Rich White GOP men on Capital hill think women are a just there to procreate.  They are more for taking our rights to abortion and contraception. They also want to violate us by sticking probes inside our vagina. When a man has to go through what we go through I will be all for it until then it is not there business. They need to stay out of  privacy and work on laws to protect our most vulnerable people. Examples are the woman in California Raped by a man she though at first to be a boyfriend while she slept woke up to find it was not the court said that since the boyfriend wasn’t a husband a case of mistaken identity rape was thrown out. Another case is the High school football team in  Steubenville that roofied a girl then dragged her everywhere and raped her several times in their car to throw her on her front lawn when they where done Then post the pictures and everything else on the web; yet these people think it is the girls fault I think not especially since she is underage. Just glad that Anonymous brought it to everyone’s attention. How much more violence do we need to stop this from happening.  It saddens me, scares the crap out of me that this may happen to me, my daughter, my mother, my sisters, or any male member of my family.

Me personally am fed up with this..  I talked to my children about it. Told them it was never right to do anything above. Talked to my son about it the rape by the high school kids. This should never happen. Should never happen in this day and age.  And I hope everyone takes a stand if they see this happening even if they have to contact the FBI in order to get it taken care of..

I feel I need to give my verbal support to all those that have had this happen in the present, have seen something like this happen and don’t know what to do. Just make your self think if you are feeling as if this is not right then help the person it is happening to. Either by calling the cops, grabbing the person and taking them out of the situation even if that mean taking them to the hospital for their own good saying it was rape and who did it. Calling parents anyone with authority don’t be afraid to be the odd person out if you don’t feel uncomfortable with what is going on.

New Years Resolutions

I hope everyone had a happy holiday and is going to drive safely home.

I have made a few resolutions.

1. Lose weight with exercise and eating better.(My first book I wrote is a Exercise food journal with Exercises included.  Not something I can give away though seeing that the pictures are not mine but if I look better I will modify the pictures with my own and give it away as a PDF or something.)

2. To Blog at least once a week ( I am just not the writer type but I have a blog and it is my responsibly to use it).

3. To make a book of shadows by hand. ( I made my first book just yesterday,printed it out and well its not a book of shadows but at least I am over the hurdle of I don’t know what I am doing to I can improve on this probably should right a blog about how I did it and what it is about with pictures).

4.  To get my Garden in tip top shape with the help of my family.( I always feel overwhelmed when summer starts because the weeds and bugs can get out of control but I have figured out how to take out the weeds with vinegar and use a mosquito net for the bugs.)

5. Finish my Green house.  I started a Green house but it is still unfinished. I need to fix my design. It flopped over in the wind. Will probley sink some 4 x 4 s down in the middle of it and either strap the greenhouse to them.

6. Finish making my mothers poncho, and knit all my nieces and nephews something especially just for them. so that they will have a piece of me and something really nice that would cost a lot of money otherwise.

7.  Stop reading so much. YES this is my addiction. I need to ween my self away I can read about a 400 page book in a day and I really need to do other things.

8. Start building my house. Yes I am building my own house from the ground up. I need a bigger place that has two regular bedrooms and family bathroom,  a master bedroom with master bath, bookshelves everywhere, Large walk in closet, Nice large kitchen, living room, dinning room and breakfast nook, also this house is going to have a fire place need it for when the power goes out.  I will probley only get the roof and the bedrooms in the first six months due to the fact that I work 40 hours a week but it is better than nothing.

I think that is everything I really need to cover and get done this year.

Hope everyone has a great year.

My Earth Centered Spirituality and my family

Okay, So I have been thinking about bringing my children and husband in on my journey through my Spirituality. Of course I can’t say that my husband will agree with it but he will listen to me. I just think my family has a lot of conflict and we need to find our balance again.

We Wiccans officially don’t have a doctrine per say but we do have a way of life a culture. Nature is in harmony our families should be in harmony also. With a respect to each other. Our roots are indigenous we actually plant them, feel them in our hands, hear  and smell it in the air we are at home with ourselves in Nature. And my family has move away from that and we need to get back into that   mind set.  The mother birthed us all and my children should understand that Earth is our home and we should respect her. They should understand that we need to connect to her in all things from the seasons, to the animals and plants, to the weather; basically all of the natural world.

Of course, the way that they come to their conclusions is there own but we must all go down our own paths in order to get there. I don’t know how I am going to get them to agree especially my son but I must try to include them in my life.

I am thinking baby steps I have already fully brought over my holidays into their lives we celebrate all major Wiccans holidays. Perhaps next I will try with meditation.

Samhain– Halloween—

I hope everyone had a happy Samhain… I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write.

So Samhain was a good day. I think next year I will plan it a bit differently for my Children. We didn’t go out trick or treating. I decided to stay in. I made a special dinner. We carved pumpkins. Had a pumpkin pie that turn out horrible because I thought I would try a new recipe. We feed the animals some biscuits I made for them out of another bad recipe.  (Moral of story try the recipe before feeding it to family). But we had a fun night in. Since my daughter is still a bit young we didn’t talk about our celebration of our loved ones that have passed on.

 

Wicca: A Year and a day

I decided that I needed to learn more about Wicca. Every aspect. I may not believe in magic but that doesn’t mean that meditation, prayer, ritual and everything that goes along with it isn’t magical in someway or perhaps I just don’t understand what magic really is. Anyway I have started a book. I am pretty isolated where I live. Living in the bible belt there are not many pagans, Wiccans, druids, etc. that show who they really are. So I have always taught myself the Wiccan Way Through books.  So When I Saw WICCA: A Year and A Day By Timothy Roderick I got this overwhelming feeling that I needed it. I usually go with my intuition on things so when I got some money together I went and bought it. I will try to tell you of my journey as much as possible but I don’t think I can express everything in words. When the time comes though I will try.

What every Women should know about our rights!!!!

Up until very recently (I would say within the last 30-40 years) women had to ask there husbands permission to do anything. I remember when my grandmother told me in order for her to get her own bank account she had to have my grandfather there or they wouldn’t allow her to have a bank account. Even then she said they both had a hard time making the bank officials make it so that she was the only one on the account. I can’t remember why she needed her own account just that it was a savings account and papa said that she needed her own money. My Grandmother also told me a story of how she lost my twin Uncles because a Doctor wouldn’t listen to her and kept telling her everything would be fine, it wasn’t they died just days before they where born. I have read many women’s blogs on the internet about their stories of sexism in the workforce, blunt discrimination, utter humiliation, and other history I wish that wouldn’t have happened is still happening, and men that believe it even now in our own free country.

There are just a few historical areas I read (see the bottom of post). What I don’t understand is that in this day in age after women’s Suffrage, voting rights and education. That there are men out there that think that just because we don’t have a penis, have a mind, want to plan our families, make a name for ourselves, and do what we want with out a man around that they still want to control our lives, decisions, and try to make us beneath them in every way possible. I am just glad I am pagan and don’t believe all that other religious crap. My father is atheist and believes that every one of his girls (there are 4 of us) should be independent. Yes I have a husband but I am the bread winner of my family. I took birth control my children are eight years apart. I have several degrees of course they are all undergraduate degrees but that was all we could afford and one was by accident. My husband is not controlling he is supportive of me. I vote at every election I know about. I know about all the major elections. I tell my daughter and son that they both need to be self sufficient and not depend on anyone because it could happen I may not be there, or their husband or wife may not be there.

The Wikipedia definition of Sexism, also known as gender discrimination or sex discrimination, is defined as prejudice or discrimination based on sex; or conditions or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex.[1] Sexist attitudes are frequently based on beliefs in traditional stereotypes of gender roles. Sexism is not just a matter of individual attitudes, but is built into many societal institutions.[2] The term sexism is most often used in relation to discrimination against women,[3][4][5][6][7] in the context of patriarchyPatriarchy is a social system in which the male acts as the primary authority figure central to social organization, and where fathers hold authority over women, children, and property. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege, and entails female subordination. Many patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage.

Wow, when I read this I thought no wonder my Grandmother had to tell me her story. We were no more then Property and slaves back then even though in my Grandmothers time we had the vote, suffrage.

When men (politician men, religious men) don’t even know how the female body works and try to dictate policy on health, birth control, what is rape/incest and abortion with out consulting females themselves; I just want to scream ” THERE IS A WAR ON OUR NATION, A WAR ON WOMENS RIGHTS, A WAR OF CHOICE, A WAR ON WHAT IS RAPE and WHY OH WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO TAKE AWAY PLANNED PARENTHOOD WHEN THEY DO SO MUCH FOR THE POOREST WOMEN I EVEN USED THEM WHEN I WAS YOUNGER FOR HEALTH CARE….”( I can’t believe ,yet have to,  that there are men whom seem to think there is a such thing as  legitimate rape and that planned parenthood does only abortions which is untrue. ) *smirk*. MEN should not have the right to tell me what is best for my body without consulting me my husband consults with me about my health. I should be able to talk to my FEMALE doctor and ask her advice then should be able to consult with another doctor if I think I need to do so. I know men feel the same way why would they want women to direct the health care, their sex life if they need Viagra or any other medication, medical surgery for sterilization, and so on.

There are many other reasons to get an abortion, or to be on birth control other then the reasons that are officially given. The life of the mother (child birth is nothing to laugh at it is dangerous for women and many women die each year trying to have a baby) if it will save the mother I am all for it, if the mother wants to try to have to baby yet can’t make it till the fetus is viable and it will kill her and the baby. Take the baby. The woman’s life is more valuable than an unborn child, especially if she already has children.

Women every year find out they need birth control for problems other than for controlling whether eggs pop out such as fibroids, PMS, and other female problems of the uterus.

So although many people are trying to force the issue of taking women back to the days of suppression when we didn’t have rights. I am not one who will stand by and allow this to happen.  I have to write and speak. I don’t want to go back to when Men thought we were property. To when Men had everything and we had nothing. TO WHEN RELIGION SAID WE ARE NOTHING BUT VESSELS FOR MALES. I am equal. I am a female yes. But I a smart woman, mother, wife, and I can make my own decisions about my health, about whom I love, about my life will end up as. Because in the end we may be all judged, karma has a way of coming back to us all but the Goddess and God knows our circumstances. I believe that things happen for a reason and must learn for the reasons given for the choices made. We can’t make others choices for them they must make them for themselves. We can’t intervene in choices made by the individual about themselves all we can do is support the individual in their choice.

http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/349851?uid=3739848&uid=2129&uid=2&uid=70&uid=4&uid=3739256&sid=21101163423051

http://www.dadsnow.org/index2.html this is a very interesting History

http://qwertyuiops.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/history-of-sexism-and-its-effect-on-religion/

http://rethinkinghistory.blogspot.com/2010/08/historical-roots-of-western-sexism.html

http://ncronline.org/news/politics/bishops-say-obama-compromise-unconstitutional

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/20/opinion/sunday/the-attack-on-women-is-real.html

http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/well-it-is-a-war-republicans-have-tried-to-limit-womens-rights-at-every-turn-639149/

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/insidestoryus2012/2012/08/2012829103225925202.html

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/faultlines/2012/08/20128288841399701.html

http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/well-it-is-a-war-republicans-have-tried-to-limit-womens-rights-at-every-turn-639149/?p=2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/08/rep-john-conyers-violence-against-women-act-vawa_n_1499822.html

http://www.plunderbund.com/2012/05/23/what-every-girl-should-know/

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/03/01/1069980/-We-re-All-Feminazis-Now-Limbaugh-s-Long-History-of-Sexism

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/jun/21/walmart-women-class-action

http://blogcritics.org/books/article/book-review-sexism-in-america-alive1/ hum will have to read this book.

http://www.wearewoman.us/2012/03/history-of-womens-rights-in-united_18.html

 

Organization, Thoughts, and Ideas

While organizing my favorites, the web kind, (which mind you is a chore because if I did it to begin with it wouldn’t take hours). I started to think why didn’t I do this to begin with. Because of the type of person I am. I am one to get interested in something and just start the focus on that. Like now I am supposed to be organizing my favorites and decided to blog about it instead. Funny I know but I am just an idea type person.  But I couldn’t stop myself.

SO anyway I was going through them and came across several sites on Being Frugal and Green and though I should share these others might like to know about these amazing places I found on the web while doing research on one thing or another. (Which by the way is always funny because my mind goes so many different directions I even have a journal so I can go back over those ideas that I have and see if someone has done it better or perhaps I can take some else’s idea and make it better.) Which I recommend to everyone; I even tell my children if they think of something write it down you never know if you idea is a good one until its thought out and wrote out.  So check out these places

Also if anyone else knows of fantastic places on the web please share… ALWAYS interested.

http://ana-white.com/  DIY furniture place

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/responsible-living/photos/7-things-you-can-make-instead-of-buying/cleaning-supplies  this explains it self

Easy Recipes for Natural Homemade Cleaners

GOOD Instructions: How to Spring Clean With Nontoxic Home-made Products – Environment – GOOD

How to Make a Non-Toxic Cleaning Kit | Care2 Healthy Living

Seven Surprising Uses for Baking Soda – Health – GOOD

An Oregon Cottage: How To Clean And Care For A Cast Iron Pan (Or How I Learned To Love Cast Iron) I have several and my hubby still doesn’t take care of them right *shrug* I try but I just put them away so he doesn’t rust them

Mauby’s: Re-usable Produce Bag Tutorial

Heating Pad Tutorial | The Green Wife

Dollar Store Crafts » Blog Archive » Make Reusable Swiffer Covers

Frugally Sustainable A good blog I love to read

In Between Laundry: A Year of Sugar Scrubs – 24 Original Recipes

How to make Hand Cream. Homemade Hand cream and hand lotion recipes I make my own recipes usually with just oils and beeswax and essential oil lavender. 

Homemade Lip Balm | FIMBY this is what my lip balm looks like basically.

Make Chalk Rocks and Homemade Chalk Board Paint – The Idea Room

Fabric Storage Boxes (per your request) | Make It and Love It

http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2009/12/homemade-creative-play-gift-ideas.html

http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2011/09/10/10-recipes-everyone-should-know-how-to-make/                I tend to agree everyone should know how to make these recipes..

For Women ONLY area unless you really want to know Men!!!

Homemade Sanitary Pads | Hillbilly Housewife Yes I actually use these during my spotting times. During the heavy times I use a regular sanitary napkin because if I don’t it is a mess I am a really heavy bleeder for two days its almost like hemorrhaging.

Asking the Goddess and God for Rain

The Drought has really taken it toll where I live in Oklahoma. I have been asking the Goddess and the God to give us rain for several weeks now. We have stared to receive rain. And I am Grateful. I am going to continue to ask for rain though because we still really need it.

I talk to the Mother more then I do the Father I feel we have a kinship. So when I am sitting around being calm I talk to her from my heart. Talk to her about how my day went. Talk to her about anything about the good and the bad. I ask her for water for the animals and plants. To help me provide for those that are in need.

Green Wiccan

New Facebook interface

https://www.facebook.com/GreenWiccan

Since I seem to be on face book more than here I decided that it would be nice to do a group of sorts. Hope you all join me.

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