My Lifes Contiplation

So many questions. Just So Many.  A lot of WHYs. Why does this keep happening to me? Why don’t I do more? Why am I so Unhappy? Why? WHY? why? Serveral Hows? How do I do this? How did this happen? How am I going to make it in time? How can I make my life more meaningful? How can I make new friends? How? how? Couple of Whats, Whens, and Wheres. But mostly it is a lot of whys and hows.

So I have been really unhappy with my life. I don’t have any friends except for my husband. I don’t go the places I want to visit. Do the things I want to do. I just sit around the house reading books. I know what my problems are but have no idea as to how to fix them.

I used to be a very active social person. Now I am a closed off shy introvert of a person that has lost a lot of her self confidence, self worth, and self image. I no longer know who I am. Other people such as my children call me a mom. My husband calls me his wife. But I don’t feel like these people. My life no longer has true meaning. As you can tell I use this blog a lot more for therapy now than in the beginning when I would write about being Wiccan. That is about the only thing I know I am. But I don’t do rituals, celebration, and such because I feel on the out side of everything and I feel like why bother no one celebrates with me. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I can no longer call myself a lot of things I used to think. I am no longer sexy to me I know that is part of my husband impotency I just feel like I lost him. My son is graduating in as little as two weeks and will probably go off to college. (empty bird nest syndrome sneaking up on me) I am no longer active because I think why bother If I have no one to share it with not even my husband.

I wish I could find people to be my friends and accept me for me. At work I have a few people but we don’t hang out I live to far away from them. I have a huge family but the people I am close to live far away and/or serve in the military. I feel pathetic to myself, a needy clingy person who is lost in all the hustle and bustle of life. I don’t think it is midlife crisis but what do I know.

I once heard that happiness is the culmination of experiences one has in life if that is true that for the last 18 years the only real experiences I have had that have made my life happy are getting married, having my children, celebrating their achievements, going to college and graduating and that is it. We went on a one vacation in the whole 18 years. I guess past life karma is catching up with me. If this life has any say in it I guess I am the red headed step child no one truly wants.

My childhood was horrible my mother picked and abuser for a boyfriend, but you know we did more things when we were with him before she finally left him then when my mother married her husband. After she married its like she no longer wanted me around. Like she had a new family and she was going to spend all her time with them. Then there was my dads side. We did things like going to the swimming hole and camping with his buddies, but even with him If I was with mom his other family went on Vacations I never went with either side on their Vacations they waited till I was gone to the other parent and that was how my life went till my dad moved to Oklahoma and I stayed behind and finished at the same high school. I moved to much in my elementary years to have any friends and I thought I finally had friends turns out they didn’t really like me that I was a hanger on. Of course I didn’t find this out till my last year of high school when the rumors started flying about a rape, where I according to the supposed friend I allowed it to happen (Just how the did she think I allowed it when I didn’t know about it. They where boyfriend and girlfriend we stayed at his house one night never once did she scream for me  or did I hear her tell him no. In fact I think it was buyers remorse she got a virgin for a lover and he wasn’t good at it so she called rape. It took several weeks for her to say something and we spent a lot of time with him. I would have taken her side if she wouldn’t have acted so normal.  He was her first but I am pretty sure that she was not his first. After that I took his side because we had long talks he was always trying to please her maybe it was jealousy I don’t really. I enjoyed his company he was a good friend. My fiancé  left me because I took my friend side that’s when I found out he had cheated on me numerous times with several different girls god if only he realize I would have had sex with him anytime of the day at the time I truly loved him and at the time would have taken him back(not now I have to much self respect to do that and know now once a cheater almost always a cheater again). That was the year I moved in with the friend and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course we had our ups and downs for the three years we where together. I became jealous, and upset because I thought he was spending time with another woman around my 18th birthday. During the last 6 months we where to together we started to fall apart. He started to shame me and embarrass me in front of his family and our friends.  Yes I was one of those weird people that has to learn common sense and boy did those last few months make me learn quick. Then came him not respecting me as a person he would smoke in my car when I asked him not to or would do other things that annoyed me. Then I caught him doing Drugs in the bathroom and I felt betrayed because he knew I would not put up with that. The last straw happened during this massive verbal drag out fight and he got this look on his face that I remember seeing on my moms abusive boyfriend and well I turned and ran and he gave chase it scared me and I remember not being able to get away from him so sank into a ball and covered my head. He didn’t hurt me but I think I startled him with my reaction, because I do remember him asking him why I thought he would hit me and I told him it was this look he gave me when I had looked up at him during our fight. I can’t remember what the fight was about now ;but I know that I he had problems and I had problems emotional problems. We were just not right for each other. I though I had to try again to fix things that were truly not fixable I don’t think I could find a way away from him. I was going to college at the time and I was working at this gas station. I lived with him and trapped is what I felt trapped because I didn’t know where I would go from there I didn’t have any friends they all had left me I only had him. Which know that I look at it he had isolated me (I don’t think it was on purpose) away from everyone because of the rape allegation she never did press charges it had been real why didn’t she press charges. Then came my now husband in a way he saved me from a bad a very, very bad decision you see I was engaged to be married to the druggie he helped me leave him.

I got married thinking my husband was going to be fun loving I mean we did things together camped, visited other places around where we lived. Then I guess life happened we had a child and the bills piled up and before I know it 8 years later I am pregnant with our second child and trying to get through college so that I could make better than minimum wage. Through that time he started to become bitter, and pain filled his body started to fall apart.  We have very few memories doing things other than going to work, restaurants, playing video games and celebrating the occasions birthdays, holidays and such.  He is my only true friend we spend almost all our time together . He has taken care of me he worked hard. It took me years to find his faults and now that he is at home all the time I have found them. He is horrible with finances. Where once he took care of the bills I do now. We went bankrupt and I told him no more credit cards. Then I though we need to build our credit again I said one credit card to get a computer for me and few other things for him. Once I had that card he used my info and got many more credit lines. If I hadn’t gave him a year to pay them down and make money on his business neither happened and here I am with the bills. He is horrible with the children and delegation  where I would have gotten them to do more chores he does them himself.  He does make dinner. He breaks promises. Don’t get me wrong I have flaws, I know I am lazy, I would rather get it done and over with than let it linger when I have a job, I am a slob not a dirty slob but disorganized slob. I try to make decisions slowly most of the time other times I think I am a sucker and jump right in with the decision. I don’t show emotion like I should and some times thing build up inside me. I am horrible when I am tired my brain just doesn’t work right. I am to much INTJ I am not comfortable with others although I want friends badly it take me for ever to get comfortable with other people then I don’t think people like me for me. I am a wall flower that likes to read a lot.

I am the little forget me not in the corner that has been forgotten to be watered.

The tissue tulip that has been squashed.

The fragile rose wilting in the sun.

My shell is that of chocolate sugar coat  that melts to the gooey marshmallow filling.

 

Humm Me and other things.

So I have come to several conclusions 1. I am horrible at keeping at anything with out motivation. 2. I really need a house very hard to do exercises outside in the rain and very miserable that I give up and come in. 3. I hate fling insects Mosquitos, Deer flies, Biting Flies ( Which can take a hunk of flesh when they bite and boy does that hurt had a knot, sore, and bruise for two weeks). All this culminates in me not liking to exercise outside. So what is a person such as I to do. Well I considered going to the gym. But there again I need motivation and I am just not motivated not to mention that I am out of money trying to pay of my bills (be happy for me I paid off 4 bills Hoorahh two more years to go to have them all paid off).

I want to get lost I guess. I read like constantly, must read like 2 books a day they are like Xanax to me. I know I am trying to escape. I guess depression is a more of a problem then I thought humm.

I don’t have many friends and I think they are more of work acquaintances I just don’t hang out with them except at work. I have a very large family but most of them live far away. I visit one sister all the time. I feel lonely, awkward, and unwanted even by my husband at times. I am awkward because I am so INTJ according to Myers-Briggs psychological type. So allow me to explain.

Wikipedia:

  • I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy).
  • N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  • T – Thinking preferred to feeling: INTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference or sentiment. When making decisions they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  • J – Judgment is auxiliary function (J or P illustrates auxiliary to introverts): INTJs tend to approach life in a structured way, planning and organising their world to achieve their goals.

 

And Believe it or not but that sounds exactly like me.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.— Sandra Krebs Hirsch

I also have a hard time explaining what I am thinking to others. To them it doesn’t make sense or I am not explaining in a way they understand but makes total sense to me. I tend to not say anything because most of the time I can’t explain what I am thinking. It can cause fights or misunderstandings sometimes.
This I believe is the reason I find it hard to find friends. Wikipedia :{As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types, an impression that is not always intended, and may not be true at all. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.} A lot of people like Drama and I really, really, really, hate Drama.  I am very Socially Awkward and always seem to make mistakes or feel rejected. Unless they are other INTJs which I work a lot with although not all are and those people tend to understand me to some extent although.
I know I tend to put myself in a box, But for me this is the easiest way to explain.
So I am a unmotivated, escapist, Socially Awkward, shy, lonely person and I want to change. But Change Is SO, SO Difficult and takes these tiny steps when I want to jump to the end. I keep hearing in my head just keep going just keep going. I guess hopefully I will change something in myself eventually.