Naysayers and Body Shaming

So the other day I was at the Gym. Mind you my body is older It doesn’t look twenty anymore. Not to mention that life shows up on it now. I mean depression, sitting all day reading, scars from pregnancy really makes a woman not look that fit anymore.

So I was exercising two gorgeously fit women are also exercising. I keep doing my workout it was hot inside the air conditioner must have been out. The other women where wearing there sports bras so everyone could see because of the heat. I am not ashamed with my body I know what I look like and I know I could look better. Anyway one looked over at me after I took my shirt off so that I also was only in my sports bra. I look like the heat was getting to me, which it was. I observe people while I work out because well I do yoga and it is do the pose wait 15 to a minute 30 seconds move on to the next pose. One of the women looked me over (top to bottom) and started laughing. Not full blown outright fit but giggles none the less. So I gave her my biggest smile. You know reverse Sociology works. Her Eye brows raised, the laugh was wiped off her face. She was giving me this bewildered look. I just kept on doing my stretches and yoga poses as if nothing bothered me. But it really did hurt.

I was trying to get into shape. Really putting some effort into it. I had been doing it for several months. After that I lost all my gumption to want to go again also losing all my progress. I know what everyone is thinking I shouldn’t allow other people to put awful thoughts into my head. Yet, I don’t have a really good support group or good friends to help me dispel all the negativity with.  What other people think sinks in and ruins some of the good feeling  I had build up about working out and doing something good for my body. So I am going to try again. The next time I see them and if they laugh again. I will say a least I am here and not sitting around on my couch.

Wish I knew how to make friends. My husbands supportive but can’t go to the gym with me to many injuries with his back. I would like to have someone that would exercise with me.

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Humm Me and other things.

So I have come to several conclusions 1. I am horrible at keeping at anything with out motivation. 2. I really need a house very hard to do exercises outside in the rain and very miserable that I give up and come in. 3. I hate fling insects Mosquitos, Deer flies, Biting Flies ( Which can take a hunk of flesh when they bite and boy does that hurt had a knot, sore, and bruise for two weeks). All this culminates in me not liking to exercise outside. So what is a person such as I to do. Well I considered going to the gym. But there again I need motivation and I am just not motivated not to mention that I am out of money trying to pay of my bills (be happy for me I paid off 4 bills Hoorahh two more years to go to have them all paid off).

I want to get lost I guess. I read like constantly, must read like 2 books a day they are like Xanax to me. I know I am trying to escape. I guess depression is a more of a problem then I thought humm.

I don’t have many friends and I think they are more of work acquaintances I just don’t hang out with them except at work. I have a very large family but most of them live far away. I visit one sister all the time. I feel lonely, awkward, and unwanted even by my husband at times. I am awkward because I am so INTJ according to Myers-Briggs psychological type. So allow me to explain.

Wikipedia:

  • I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy).
  • N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  • T – Thinking preferred to feeling: INTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference or sentiment. When making decisions they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  • J – Judgment is auxiliary function (J or P illustrates auxiliary to introverts): INTJs tend to approach life in a structured way, planning and organising their world to achieve their goals.

 

And Believe it or not but that sounds exactly like me.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.— Sandra Krebs Hirsch

I also have a hard time explaining what I am thinking to others. To them it doesn’t make sense or I am not explaining in a way they understand but makes total sense to me. I tend to not say anything because most of the time I can’t explain what I am thinking. It can cause fights or misunderstandings sometimes.
This I believe is the reason I find it hard to find friends. Wikipedia :{As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types, an impression that is not always intended, and may not be true at all. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.} A lot of people like Drama and I really, really, really, hate Drama.  I am very Socially Awkward and always seem to make mistakes or feel rejected. Unless they are other INTJs which I work a lot with although not all are and those people tend to understand me to some extent although.
I know I tend to put myself in a box, But for me this is the easiest way to explain.
So I am a unmotivated, escapist, Socially Awkward, shy, lonely person and I want to change. But Change Is SO, SO Difficult and takes these tiny steps when I want to jump to the end. I keep hearing in my head just keep going just keep going. I guess hopefully I will change something in myself eventually.

Weight Loss

So I have been trying for years to lose Weight. The motivation to keep at it though is just not there. When you live with people that don’t want to change what they eat the temptation is to great to want to eat those high calorie foods.

This year though I think I am going to try and blog about it hopefully once a week maybe more if I get a particular craving or want to eat emotionally.

I am going to try to work on

1. meal planning

2. Yoga(this is really hard just don’t have the room inside and don’t have a covered heated or cooled outside area.

3. getting my butt moving more going outside and hike around (I used to love to do these things before I got married then Life Happened)

4. Sticking to that meal plan and the 1200 calories I am going to eat trying meat, veg and fruits cutting back on grain foods and some dairy foods still going to eat sourcream, yogurt, butter, and cheese but more moderately.

I thought about going Paleo but I know I can’t stick to that I love bread and dairy to much. Not to mention that the food is down right expensive unless you can buy it discounted or get it free.

I am the consummate researcher.  So this morning I made a spreadsheet for meal planning and exercise still tweaking it, but when I am finished I will put it on here. Perhaps I will also put the meals I eat on here to since although I will have a meal plan I am not one to plan very well and stick to it. I did buy a subscription to a Daily Yoga program on google play store for my tablet this is the cheaper alternative to the gym or walking on a dirt road and so far really like it. I do know I will have to do the same program over and over to build strength and flexablity but eventually I will be able to do harder and harder sequences.

So If you all have your own struggles in this area I would love to hear it.

Bless be!