Humm Me and other things.

So I have come to several conclusions 1. I am horrible at keeping at anything with out motivation. 2. I really need a house very hard to do exercises outside in the rain and very miserable that I give up and come in. 3. I hate fling insects Mosquitos, Deer flies, Biting Flies ( Which can take a hunk of flesh when they bite and boy does that hurt had a knot, sore, and bruise for two weeks). All this culminates in me not liking to exercise outside. So what is a person such as I to do. Well I considered going to the gym. But there again I need motivation and I am just not motivated not to mention that I am out of money trying to pay of my bills (be happy for me I paid off 4 bills Hoorahh two more years to go to have them all paid off).

I want to get lost I guess. I read like constantly, must read like 2 books a day they are like Xanax to me. I know I am trying to escape. I guess depression is a more of a problem then I thought humm.

I don’t have many friends and I think they are more of work acquaintances I just don’t hang out with them except at work. I have a very large family but most of them live far away. I visit one sister all the time. I feel lonely, awkward, and unwanted even by my husband at times. I am awkward because I am so INTJ according to Myers-Briggs psychological type. So allow me to explain.

Wikipedia:

  • I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INTJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extroverts gain energy).
  • N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INTJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus their attention on the big picture rather than the details and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
  • T – Thinking preferred to feeling: INTJs tend to value objective criteria above personal preference or sentiment. When making decisions they generally give more weight to logic than to social considerations.
  • J – Judgment is auxiliary function (J or P illustrates auxiliary to introverts): INTJs tend to approach life in a structured way, planning and organising their world to achieve their goals.

 

And Believe it or not but that sounds exactly like me.

INTJs are strong individualists who seek new angles or novel ways of looking at things. They enjoy coming to new understandings. They tend to be insightful and mentally quick; however, this mental quickness may not always be outwardly apparent to others since they keep a great deal to themselves. They are very determined people who trust their vision of the possibilities, regardless of what others think. They may even be considered the most independent of all of the sixteen personality types. INTJs are at their best in quietly and firmly developing their ideas, theories, and principles.— Sandra Krebs Hirsch

I also have a hard time explaining what I am thinking to others. To them it doesn’t make sense or I am not explaining in a way they understand but makes total sense to me. I tend to not say anything because most of the time I can’t explain what I am thinking. It can cause fights or misunderstandings sometimes.
This I believe is the reason I find it hard to find friends. Wikipedia :{As mates, INTJs want harmony and order in the home and in relationships. The most independent of all types, an impression that is not always intended, and may not be true at all. In their interpersonal relationships, INTJs are usually better in a working situation than in a recreational situation.} A lot of people like Drama and I really, really, really, hate Drama.  I am very Socially Awkward and always seem to make mistakes or feel rejected. Unless they are other INTJs which I work a lot with although not all are and those people tend to understand me to some extent although.
I know I tend to put myself in a box, But for me this is the easiest way to explain.
So I am a unmotivated, escapist, Socially Awkward, shy, lonely person and I want to change. But Change Is SO, SO Difficult and takes these tiny steps when I want to jump to the end. I keep hearing in my head just keep going just keep going. I guess hopefully I will change something in myself eventually.