My Lifes Contiplation

So many questions. Just So Many.  A lot of WHYs. Why does this keep happening to me? Why don’t I do more? Why am I so Unhappy? Why? WHY? why? Serveral Hows? How do I do this? How did this happen? How am I going to make it in time? How can I make my life more meaningful? How can I make new friends? How? how? Couple of Whats, Whens, and Wheres. But mostly it is a lot of whys and hows.

So I have been really unhappy with my life. I don’t have any friends except for my husband. I don’t go the places I want to visit. Do the things I want to do. I just sit around the house reading books. I know what my problems are but have no idea as to how to fix them.

I used to be a very active social person. Now I am a closed off shy introvert of a person that has lost a lot of her self confidence, self worth, and self image. I no longer know who I am. Other people such as my children call me a mom. My husband calls me his wife. But I don’t feel like these people. My life no longer has true meaning. As you can tell I use this blog a lot more for therapy now than in the beginning when I would write about being Wiccan. That is about the only thing I know I am. But I don’t do rituals, celebration, and such because I feel on the out side of everything and I feel like why bother no one celebrates with me. I feel like a stranger in my own family. I can no longer call myself a lot of things I used to think. I am no longer sexy to me I know that is part of my husband impotency I just feel like I lost him. My son is graduating in as little as two weeks and will probably go off to college. (empty bird nest syndrome sneaking up on me) I am no longer active because I think why bother If I have no one to share it with not even my husband.

I wish I could find people to be my friends and accept me for me. At work I have a few people but we don’t hang out I live to far away from them. I have a huge family but the people I am close to live far away and/or serve in the military. I feel pathetic to myself, a needy clingy person who is lost in all the hustle and bustle of life. I don’t think it is midlife crisis but what do I know.

I once heard that happiness is the culmination of experiences one has in life if that is true that for the last 18 years the only real experiences I have had that have made my life happy are getting married, having my children, celebrating their achievements, going to college and graduating and that is it. We went on a one vacation in the whole 18 years. I guess past life karma is catching up with me. If this life has any say in it I guess I am the red headed step child no one truly wants.

My childhood was horrible my mother picked and abuser for a boyfriend, but you know we did more things when we were with him before she finally left him then when my mother married her husband. After she married its like she no longer wanted me around. Like she had a new family and she was going to spend all her time with them. Then there was my dads side. We did things like going to the swimming hole and camping with his buddies, but even with him If I was with mom his other family went on Vacations I never went with either side on their Vacations they waited till I was gone to the other parent and that was how my life went till my dad moved to Oklahoma and I stayed behind and finished at the same high school. I moved to much in my elementary years to have any friends and I thought I finally had friends turns out they didn’t really like me that I was a hanger on. Of course I didn’t find this out till my last year of high school when the rumors started flying about a rape, where I according to the supposed friend I allowed it to happen (Just how the did she think I allowed it when I didn’t know about it. They where boyfriend and girlfriend we stayed at his house one night never once did she scream for me  or did I hear her tell him no. In fact I think it was buyers remorse she got a virgin for a lover and he wasn’t good at it so she called rape. It took several weeks for her to say something and we spent a lot of time with him. I would have taken her side if she wouldn’t have acted so normal.  He was her first but I am pretty sure that she was not his first. After that I took his side because we had long talks he was always trying to please her maybe it was jealousy I don’t really. I enjoyed his company he was a good friend. My fiancé  left me because I took my friend side that’s when I found out he had cheated on me numerous times with several different girls god if only he realize I would have had sex with him anytime of the day at the time I truly loved him and at the time would have taken him back(not now I have to much self respect to do that and know now once a cheater almost always a cheater again). That was the year I moved in with the friend and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Of course we had our ups and downs for the three years we where together. I became jealous, and upset because I thought he was spending time with another woman around my 18th birthday. During the last 6 months we where to together we started to fall apart. He started to shame me and embarrass me in front of his family and our friends.  Yes I was one of those weird people that has to learn common sense and boy did those last few months make me learn quick. Then came him not respecting me as a person he would smoke in my car when I asked him not to or would do other things that annoyed me. Then I caught him doing Drugs in the bathroom and I felt betrayed because he knew I would not put up with that. The last straw happened during this massive verbal drag out fight and he got this look on his face that I remember seeing on my moms abusive boyfriend and well I turned and ran and he gave chase it scared me and I remember not being able to get away from him so sank into a ball and covered my head. He didn’t hurt me but I think I startled him with my reaction, because I do remember him asking him why I thought he would hit me and I told him it was this look he gave me when I had looked up at him during our fight. I can’t remember what the fight was about now ;but I know that I he had problems and I had problems emotional problems. We were just not right for each other. I though I had to try again to fix things that were truly not fixable I don’t think I could find a way away from him. I was going to college at the time and I was working at this gas station. I lived with him and trapped is what I felt trapped because I didn’t know where I would go from there I didn’t have any friends they all had left me I only had him. Which know that I look at it he had isolated me (I don’t think it was on purpose) away from everyone because of the rape allegation she never did press charges it had been real why didn’t she press charges. Then came my now husband in a way he saved me from a bad a very, very bad decision you see I was engaged to be married to the druggie he helped me leave him.

I got married thinking my husband was going to be fun loving I mean we did things together camped, visited other places around where we lived. Then I guess life happened we had a child and the bills piled up and before I know it 8 years later I am pregnant with our second child and trying to get through college so that I could make better than minimum wage. Through that time he started to become bitter, and pain filled his body started to fall apart.  We have very few memories doing things other than going to work, restaurants, playing video games and celebrating the occasions birthdays, holidays and such.  He is my only true friend we spend almost all our time together . He has taken care of me he worked hard. It took me years to find his faults and now that he is at home all the time I have found them. He is horrible with finances. Where once he took care of the bills I do now. We went bankrupt and I told him no more credit cards. Then I though we need to build our credit again I said one credit card to get a computer for me and few other things for him. Once I had that card he used my info and got many more credit lines. If I hadn’t gave him a year to pay them down and make money on his business neither happened and here I am with the bills. He is horrible with the children and delegation  where I would have gotten them to do more chores he does them himself.  He does make dinner. He breaks promises. Don’t get me wrong I have flaws, I know I am lazy, I would rather get it done and over with than let it linger when I have a job, I am a slob not a dirty slob but disorganized slob. I try to make decisions slowly most of the time other times I think I am a sucker and jump right in with the decision. I don’t show emotion like I should and some times thing build up inside me. I am horrible when I am tired my brain just doesn’t work right. I am to much INTJ I am not comfortable with others although I want friends badly it take me for ever to get comfortable with other people then I don’t think people like me for me. I am a wall flower that likes to read a lot.

I am the little forget me not in the corner that has been forgotten to be watered.

The tissue tulip that has been squashed.

The fragile rose wilting in the sun.

My shell is that of chocolate sugar coat  that melts to the gooey marshmallow filling.

 

Being Poor

Being Poor. Is living in an 8×8 van conversion with 4 people on dads property having to make a septic pond behind it and covering it with lime you took from you dads house and cut grass from the farm down the road so that it won’t smell.

Being poor is going days without food so that your children wont starve.  And having a family member buy you food because they know you don’t have any. And do the same for them when they don’t have any and you have a little extra money.

Being poor is going without heat, water, and electricity because you didn’t have enough to pay the bills because you bought food instead and decided that you can go to the creek and get the water, build a fire for heat, and use the fire for light.

Being poor is getting hand downs from friends so that you can clothe your children and yourself.

Being poor is hoping that no one will take your children a way because you are poor.

Being poor in making sure that your vegatable garden is well taken care of  so that youll have food through the winter. Scavenging at night on others farms for food(usually in wooded areas). Setting traps for rabbits and other animals to get protein. And fishing a lot in areas that police won’t catch you(Because you can afford the fishing licence or taking you children and saying their fishing so you don’t get fined..)

Being poor is hunting in the off season to feed your family and hoping you wont get caught.

Being poor is walking every where .

Being poor is having a vegetable garden from 10 cent seeds you bought and saving seed from a few that you left in the ground to go to seed.

Being poor is using everything, fixing it yourself if it breaks, and hoping the fix doesn’t break again, or finding other ways to use everything.

Being poor is never throwing anything out just in case you can use it for something else.

Being poor is using the library to learn new skills because you can’t afford to go to college even on a scholarship and with assistance.

Being poor is the rich being in a glass bottom boat where your underneath it with a rope holding you under and they tell you that your good for nothing when you are good at a lot of things,except making money because you don’t understand all the crap that banks do to take money, you can’t save because everything is expensive to you, and you just want to strangle the guy above you because he is rich and not doing anything to help you get ahead….

 

It is taking me a long time to climb out. But now I am teaching my children about what I understand about money. We still can’t save anything yet we are still living paycheck to paycheck but at least I figured out a way to get an education I owe a ton of money but hopefully my children wont owe a thing because I will take care of it all and have all the debt and when I die everything will be in their name and what ever money and such that is left they can pay the bills from there. Hopefully they wont have to pay those bills out of their money….

Perceptions

What is up with People(Adults, Teens, Men and Women ? I have been stewing for days wondering why we aren’t banding together? I just don’t understand how Adults and teens can allow things to happen that they see with their own eyes. People need to start standing up and speaking out. If they see something happening record it. Call the Police give them the information. Just don’t watch brush it off and say its not your problem. When it is… It really Is… Now I know your wondering what in the world I am talking about. I want you to really think about this. It is everything immoral… Everything that you wouldn’t want to happen to you… Everything that you wouldn’t want to happen to the most loved person in your world… It has to do with Violence, murder, rape (rape being anything that was not consented to that could have happened while drugged, a sleep, awake, a child unable to stop it), Rumors whether true or not true(Shouldn’t be re said or some one should discreetly go up to the person inform them and say that they are there to help or there to help stop it.), Bullying, the mentally ill (this really needs to be addressed to many mentally ill that can hurt people are out on the streets instead of in an institution to keep themselves as well as others safe), brutality against gays or people of color or nationality.

Too many children, Women, Teen girls are being violated. India has the idea.. We need to protest the violence against Women, Children, and others. The United states in no exception. We need the Violence against women act. But is it going to pass? Probably not since the Rich White GOP men on Capital hill think women are a just there to procreate.  They are more for taking our rights to abortion and contraception. They also want to violate us by sticking probes inside our vagina. When a man has to go through what we go through I will be all for it until then it is not there business. They need to stay out of  privacy and work on laws to protect our most vulnerable people. Examples are the woman in California Raped by a man she though at first to be a boyfriend while she slept woke up to find it was not the court said that since the boyfriend wasn’t a husband a case of mistaken identity rape was thrown out. Another case is the High school football team in  Steubenville that roofied a girl then dragged her everywhere and raped her several times in their car to throw her on her front lawn when they where done Then post the pictures and everything else on the web; yet these people think it is the girls fault I think not especially since she is underage. Just glad that Anonymous brought it to everyone’s attention. How much more violence do we need to stop this from happening.  It saddens me, scares the crap out of me that this may happen to me, my daughter, my mother, my sisters, or any male member of my family.

Me personally am fed up with this..  I talked to my children about it. Told them it was never right to do anything above. Talked to my son about it the rape by the high school kids. This should never happen. Should never happen in this day and age.  And I hope everyone takes a stand if they see this happening even if they have to contact the FBI in order to get it taken care of..

I feel I need to give my verbal support to all those that have had this happen in the present, have seen something like this happen and don’t know what to do. Just make your self think if you are feeling as if this is not right then help the person it is happening to. Either by calling the cops, grabbing the person and taking them out of the situation even if that mean taking them to the hospital for their own good saying it was rape and who did it. Calling parents anyone with authority don’t be afraid to be the odd person out if you don’t feel uncomfortable with what is going on.

New Years Resolutions

I hope everyone had a happy holiday and is going to drive safely home.

I have made a few resolutions.

1. Lose weight with exercise and eating better.(My first book I wrote is a Exercise food journal with Exercises included.  Not something I can give away though seeing that the pictures are not mine but if I look better I will modify the pictures with my own and give it away as a PDF or something.)

2. To Blog at least once a week ( I am just not the writer type but I have a blog and it is my responsibly to use it).

3. To make a book of shadows by hand. ( I made my first book just yesterday,printed it out and well its not a book of shadows but at least I am over the hurdle of I don’t know what I am doing to I can improve on this probably should right a blog about how I did it and what it is about with pictures).

4.  To get my Garden in tip top shape with the help of my family.( I always feel overwhelmed when summer starts because the weeds and bugs can get out of control but I have figured out how to take out the weeds with vinegar and use a mosquito net for the bugs.)

5. Finish my Green house.  I started a Green house but it is still unfinished. I need to fix my design. It flopped over in the wind. Will probley sink some 4 x 4 s down in the middle of it and either strap the greenhouse to them.

6. Finish making my mothers poncho, and knit all my nieces and nephews something especially just for them. so that they will have a piece of me and something really nice that would cost a lot of money otherwise.

7.  Stop reading so much. YES this is my addiction. I need to ween my self away I can read about a 400 page book in a day and I really need to do other things.

8. Start building my house. Yes I am building my own house from the ground up. I need a bigger place that has two regular bedrooms and family bathroom,  a master bedroom with master bath, bookshelves everywhere, Large walk in closet, Nice large kitchen, living room, dinning room and breakfast nook, also this house is going to have a fire place need it for when the power goes out.  I will probley only get the roof and the bedrooms in the first six months due to the fact that I work 40 hours a week but it is better than nothing.

I think that is everything I really need to cover and get done this year.

Hope everyone has a great year.

What every Women should know about our rights!!!!

Up until very recently (I would say within the last 30-40 years) women had to ask there husbands permission to do anything. I remember when my grandmother told me in order for her to get her own bank account she had to have my grandfather there or they wouldn’t allow her to have a bank account. Even then she said they both had a hard time making the bank officials make it so that she was the only one on the account. I can’t remember why she needed her own account just that it was a savings account and papa said that she needed her own money. My Grandmother also told me a story of how she lost my twin Uncles because a Doctor wouldn’t listen to her and kept telling her everything would be fine, it wasn’t they died just days before they where born. I have read many women’s blogs on the internet about their stories of sexism in the workforce, blunt discrimination, utter humiliation, and other history I wish that wouldn’t have happened is still happening, and men that believe it even now in our own free country.

There are just a few historical areas I read (see the bottom of post). What I don’t understand is that in this day in age after women’s Suffrage, voting rights and education. That there are men out there that think that just because we don’t have a penis, have a mind, want to plan our families, make a name for ourselves, and do what we want with out a man around that they still want to control our lives, decisions, and try to make us beneath them in every way possible. I am just glad I am pagan and don’t believe all that other religious crap. My father is atheist and believes that every one of his girls (there are 4 of us) should be independent. Yes I have a husband but I am the bread winner of my family. I took birth control my children are eight years apart. I have several degrees of course they are all undergraduate degrees but that was all we could afford and one was by accident. My husband is not controlling he is supportive of me. I vote at every election I know about. I know about all the major elections. I tell my daughter and son that they both need to be self sufficient and not depend on anyone because it could happen I may not be there, or their husband or wife may not be there.

The Wikipedia definition of Sexism, also known as gender discrimination or sex discrimination, is defined as prejudice or discrimination based on sex; or conditions or attitudes that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex.[1] Sexist attitudes are frequently based on beliefs in traditional stereotypes of gender roles. Sexism is not just a matter of individual attitudes, but is built into many societal institutions.[2] The term sexism is most often used in relation to discrimination against women,[3][4][5][6][7] in the context of patriarchyPatriarchy is a social system in which the male acts as the primary authority figure central to social organization, and where fathers hold authority over women, children, and property. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege, and entails female subordination. Many patriarchal societies are also patrilineal, meaning that property and title are inherited by the male lineage.

Wow, when I read this I thought no wonder my Grandmother had to tell me her story. We were no more then Property and slaves back then even though in my Grandmothers time we had the vote, suffrage.

When men (politician men, religious men) don’t even know how the female body works and try to dictate policy on health, birth control, what is rape/incest and abortion with out consulting females themselves; I just want to scream ” THERE IS A WAR ON OUR NATION, A WAR ON WOMENS RIGHTS, A WAR OF CHOICE, A WAR ON WHAT IS RAPE and WHY OH WHY ARE THEY TRYING TO TAKE AWAY PLANNED PARENTHOOD WHEN THEY DO SO MUCH FOR THE POOREST WOMEN I EVEN USED THEM WHEN I WAS YOUNGER FOR HEALTH CARE….”( I can’t believe ,yet have to,  that there are men whom seem to think there is a such thing as  legitimate rape and that planned parenthood does only abortions which is untrue. ) *smirk*. MEN should not have the right to tell me what is best for my body without consulting me my husband consults with me about my health. I should be able to talk to my FEMALE doctor and ask her advice then should be able to consult with another doctor if I think I need to do so. I know men feel the same way why would they want women to direct the health care, their sex life if they need Viagra or any other medication, medical surgery for sterilization, and so on.

There are many other reasons to get an abortion, or to be on birth control other then the reasons that are officially given. The life of the mother (child birth is nothing to laugh at it is dangerous for women and many women die each year trying to have a baby) if it will save the mother I am all for it, if the mother wants to try to have to baby yet can’t make it till the fetus is viable and it will kill her and the baby. Take the baby. The woman’s life is more valuable than an unborn child, especially if she already has children.

Women every year find out they need birth control for problems other than for controlling whether eggs pop out such as fibroids, PMS, and other female problems of the uterus.

So although many people are trying to force the issue of taking women back to the days of suppression when we didn’t have rights. I am not one who will stand by and allow this to happen.  I have to write and speak. I don’t want to go back to when Men thought we were property. To when Men had everything and we had nothing. TO WHEN RELIGION SAID WE ARE NOTHING BUT VESSELS FOR MALES. I am equal. I am a female yes. But I a smart woman, mother, wife, and I can make my own decisions about my health, about whom I love, about my life will end up as. Because in the end we may be all judged, karma has a way of coming back to us all but the Goddess and God knows our circumstances. I believe that things happen for a reason and must learn for the reasons given for the choices made. We can’t make others choices for them they must make them for themselves. We can’t intervene in choices made by the individual about themselves all we can do is support the individual in their choice.

http://www.jstor.org/discover/10.2307/349851?uid=3739848&uid=2129&uid=2&uid=70&uid=4&uid=3739256&sid=21101163423051

http://www.dadsnow.org/index2.html this is a very interesting History

http://qwertyuiops.wordpress.com/2010/09/21/history-of-sexism-and-its-effect-on-religion/

http://rethinkinghistory.blogspot.com/2010/08/historical-roots-of-western-sexism.html

http://ncronline.org/news/politics/bishops-say-obama-compromise-unconstitutional

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/20/opinion/sunday/the-attack-on-women-is-real.html

http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/well-it-is-a-war-republicans-have-tried-to-limit-womens-rights-at-every-turn-639149/

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/insidestoryus2012/2012/08/2012829103225925202.html

http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/faultlines/2012/08/20128288841399701.html

http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/opinion/perspectives/well-it-is-a-war-republicans-have-tried-to-limit-womens-rights-at-every-turn-639149/?p=2

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/08/rep-john-conyers-violence-against-women-act-vawa_n_1499822.html

http://www.plunderbund.com/2012/05/23/what-every-girl-should-know/

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/03/01/1069980/-We-re-All-Feminazis-Now-Limbaugh-s-Long-History-of-Sexism

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2011/jun/21/walmart-women-class-action

http://blogcritics.org/books/article/book-review-sexism-in-america-alive1/ hum will have to read this book.

http://www.wearewoman.us/2012/03/history-of-womens-rights-in-united_18.html

 

Organization, Thoughts, and Ideas

While organizing my favorites, the web kind, (which mind you is a chore because if I did it to begin with it wouldn’t take hours). I started to think why didn’t I do this to begin with. Because of the type of person I am. I am one to get interested in something and just start the focus on that. Like now I am supposed to be organizing my favorites and decided to blog about it instead. Funny I know but I am just an idea type person.  But I couldn’t stop myself.

SO anyway I was going through them and came across several sites on Being Frugal and Green and though I should share these others might like to know about these amazing places I found on the web while doing research on one thing or another. (Which by the way is always funny because my mind goes so many different directions I even have a journal so I can go back over those ideas that I have and see if someone has done it better or perhaps I can take some else’s idea and make it better.) Which I recommend to everyone; I even tell my children if they think of something write it down you never know if you idea is a good one until its thought out and wrote out.  So check out these places

Also if anyone else knows of fantastic places on the web please share… ALWAYS interested.

http://ana-white.com/  DIY furniture place

http://www.mnn.com/lifestyle/responsible-living/photos/7-things-you-can-make-instead-of-buying/cleaning-supplies  this explains it self

Easy Recipes for Natural Homemade Cleaners

GOOD Instructions: How to Spring Clean With Nontoxic Home-made Products – Environment – GOOD

How to Make a Non-Toxic Cleaning Kit | Care2 Healthy Living

Seven Surprising Uses for Baking Soda – Health – GOOD

An Oregon Cottage: How To Clean And Care For A Cast Iron Pan (Or How I Learned To Love Cast Iron) I have several and my hubby still doesn’t take care of them right *shrug* I try but I just put them away so he doesn’t rust them

Mauby’s: Re-usable Produce Bag Tutorial

Heating Pad Tutorial | The Green Wife

Dollar Store Crafts » Blog Archive » Make Reusable Swiffer Covers

Frugally Sustainable A good blog I love to read

In Between Laundry: A Year of Sugar Scrubs – 24 Original Recipes

How to make Hand Cream. Homemade Hand cream and hand lotion recipes I make my own recipes usually with just oils and beeswax and essential oil lavender. 

Homemade Lip Balm | FIMBY this is what my lip balm looks like basically.

Make Chalk Rocks and Homemade Chalk Board Paint – The Idea Room

Fabric Storage Boxes (per your request) | Make It and Love It

http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2009/12/homemade-creative-play-gift-ideas.html

http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2011/09/10/10-recipes-everyone-should-know-how-to-make/                I tend to agree everyone should know how to make these recipes..

For Women ONLY area unless you really want to know Men!!!

Homemade Sanitary Pads | Hillbilly Housewife Yes I actually use these during my spotting times. During the heavy times I use a regular sanitary napkin because if I don’t it is a mess I am a really heavy bleeder for two days its almost like hemorrhaging.

Asking the Goddess and God for Rain

The Drought has really taken it toll where I live in Oklahoma. I have been asking the Goddess and the God to give us rain for several weeks now. We have stared to receive rain. And I am Grateful. I am going to continue to ask for rain though because we still really need it.

I talk to the Mother more then I do the Father I feel we have a kinship. So when I am sitting around being calm I talk to her from my heart. Talk to her about how my day went. Talk to her about anything about the good and the bad. I ask her for water for the animals and plants. To help me provide for those that are in need.

Green Wiccan

New Facebook interface

https://www.facebook.com/GreenWiccan

Since I seem to be on face book more than here I decided that it would be nice to do a group of sorts. Hope you all join me.

Losing weight

I hate trying to lose weight. All I can say is this last year I have been the laziest person around. I eat right but I love my sweets so I am constantly eating too much. I am going through the Atkins low carbohydrate system so far I have lost a few pounds. But feel my husband is not helping me but sabotaging me. He too need to lose weight and know this. His health is horrid with diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. I love him very much but I don’t feel like he is on my side. I have been having to make my own food just so he doesn’t throw in carbs such as pasta, or bread on to my plate. He usually makes all the food, but lately I just don’t trust him with my health and I should be able too. Why is it the one we love feel that when we try to make ourselves healthier that we don’t love them and are trying  to find someone else. Yes that is directly out of his mouth not in those exact words but you get the point. I need him to see it from my point of view. I need to lose weight. I need to be more out going if I am to beat this depression to dust. I need to see my husband try to make himself healthier( although I can live with what ever he choses I will support him in his choices). I need to be able to walk outside my front door and not have everyone telling me I am fat and need to lose 75 lbs.  I know that isn’t really all that heavy compared to some people.

I think this is about my self esteem, me in general, getting older is not for the faint at heart, sometimes I wish I was my younger self because I didn’t have all these aches and pains, varicose veins, wrinkles, white and gray hair. Heck I even know I am not that old being only 36.  Yet, I feel much older. I remember when I would ride my bike everywhere now I can’t even get down my drive way with out panting.  I don’t expect to myself to be younger though just be able to ride my bike to town if I want or walk about 5 miles and not pant and have to sit after walking half a mile.

I will need to sit down with my husband and tell him my feelings. Writing down thing always put everything into perspective.

 

School Is about to start

It feels as if the year has just passed me by that I am getting older by years in a matter of days.  It is just so strange to think that I have a 15 year old son and an 8 year old daughter and both are getting ready for school.  They both start tomorrow. One is going to be shell shocked because up until this year he has been home schooled and I am now sending him to a brick and mortar school. I think he just doesn’t understand his responsibilities and is hiding behind my skirts to get away from them or thinks that he can get around them some how and hide. These last few months have been about playing on the computer and seeing if he can get away from his home school work. I warned him now he has to face the music. Hopefully he will do as he is told.
My daughter can’t wait she is the social butterfly of the family the one that needs friends. Whom is out going enough to say mom I think I need to stay back a year so that she can learn to speak properly after having surgery on her tonsils to remove them.

Life move on day by day. But if feels like water slipping through my fingers.  But on word we trot toward the morning star.

The Movement Against Women!!!

Warning this post contains the ranting of an outraged Woman!

Okay, I know I told you I am not a feminist that is true. Yet, When I see any man deliberately trying to hurt Women,  I have to Shout out my distress, my unrest, my total disbelief, call the police if it is appropriate. So as I have been reading about the republican actions against women in previous years I am disgusted. Reading  Stag Party  brought about my fear of what may happen is the GOP is put into power will they make every Women that gets pregnant have the child, will that child be born unloved in a family because not every child will be adoptable. Will woman die from Health problem because she can’t have the abortion she requires to save her life. Will our nation slide back into the idea that woman don’t need to work, need men to take care of them, that they make bad decisions, and have to follow what their father says. There are examples all over the US that not all women and men need to have children.  Will they take away our Birth Control. They think this about the right of religion fine have religious organizations not pay for health care. Have them give the women the Money to pay for their own health care that way they are not paying directly to the things that they don’t like the women are paying for themselves I believe that is a good way of fixing that problem then women as a whole can go about buying Health Insurance the way they want it and Men can stay out of that area.

Here in the state of Oklahoma the state legislature is wasting our money on laws that are being over turned left and right because they are unconstitutional one is the person hood bill which I hope they totally get rid of, because a baby isn’t a baby until it can survive out side the woman.  I mean what are they going to do to woman whose own body destroys the fetus charge her with murder.  Some woman can’t maintain a pregnancy what are they going to do to those whose baby dies in utero because the cord got wrapped around the neck or the women whom get full blown eclampcia and almost die and have the baby removed before it is even viable.  THE FETUS CAN’T LIVE WITH OUT THE MOTHER THERE FOR IT IS STILL A PART OF HER BODY.  I can just see these men wanting to look up a woman’s skirt to make sure she is keeping her legs closed. It is none of their business what women do to their bodies. If the man wants a child make sure he has sex with someone who want one also otherwise he better make sure he has protection. I don’t like abortion but I am not against someone getting it especially when there is rape, incest, or if they are underage (children shouldn’t have children).  The exception would be using abortion like a pill all the time. I do believe that if someone is going into get an abortion they should be taught about the pill and contraception options and where they can get these options for almost free before they have the procedure that would cut down on the number of abortions. Heck give them the option to be sterilized that would further cut down on unwanted pregnancy, but only if they are age 25 or higher.

I just can’t stand for people trying to dictate what is right for me. If some woman wants to be pregnant everyday of her adult life fine she can but I will not have anyone tell me how to run my life and family planning. If I had the money I would pay for my own health care and that of my families.  I already pay $300  out of  every pay check for it while my employer pays I believe it is $500. THAT IS A TOTAL OF ABOUT $800 A PAYCHECK OR $1600 A MONTH IN HEALTH CARE COST BEFORE I EVEN GO SEE THE DOCTOR.  I work for a Catholic Hospital and a few of the people I know are already having problems one can’t get her uterus removed (she has pain 24 hours a day for fibroid and other problems) and all she wants is relief. When they did go in they removed the very temporary problem instead of  removing it permanently only a couple of weeks after the surgery and she is having pain again even with the hormone (Birth control) Therapy she is receiving. Is that good care. I SAY HELL NO!! Some times Doctor should actually listen to their patients and not to the policies. Every person is different and can’t be put in a mold of one individual.

After all this I don’t think I will ever vote Republican in fact I hope that we can find candidates that coincide with the middle ground and with the people

Here are some links that may help with the Presidential elections coming up I hope you all will vote for Obama but live and let live vote for the person you find is more aligned to you. I just hope we get more people in office that are for all people instead of for the corporations and Religions. We need to do something about the people in office that are trying to undermine our rights.

http://billmoyers.com/episode/full-show-standing-up-for-democracy/#disqus_thread

http://nymag.com/news/frank-rich/gop-women-problem-2012-4/

http://sickthebook.com/

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2012/03/barbarism-of-the-health-care-repeal-crusade.html

http://the99spring.com/

http://news.coffeepartyusa.com/

http://www.votesmart.org/ I love their political best match help you find the candidate that best matches your values.

http://www.npr.org/sections/politics/

http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/01/03/396428/santorums-racist-welfare-rant/?mobile=nc

http://thinkprogress.org/tag/election-2012/

http://www.cnn.com/POLITICS/

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-world-business.html?mod=WSJ_topnav_us_main

http://reproductiverights.org Here you can learn about the different law affecting people all around the world and how the changes in our laws would effectively bring about some negative changes for women.

 

My Introduction to you!!

I have been blogging for about a year and just now realized I have never truly introduced myself.  My name is Elizabeth.  I am a 36 year old Woman that has been married for approximately 15 years to a wonderful man that really cares about me and his family. We have two beautiful children a boy 14 years old and a girl 7 years old.  I have been a practicing Wiccan off and on since I was 14 years old. I finalized my Wiccan status  when I was 27 years old. I had decided that other religions just didn’t call to me like this one did.

So here is a list of other things that you may like to know about me.

1. I have 3 Associates degrees one in Pre – Pharmacy, One in Biology, One in Secondary Education.

2. I have a BS in Biology with a minor in Chemistry.

3. I believe in a Goddess and God. So that makes me Pagan.

4. I believe in live and let live.  So I although I don’t mind a debate I do get upset with people telling me I am wrong where I believe.  An example is my husband is atheist he doesn’t believe in anything we talk about it some time but I don’t try to change his mind I believe what I believe and I allow him to believe as he believes. The exception would be when people put the health of children or harm others in there belief such as the radicals that bomb others can’t stand those people and hope they wipe themselves out without harming others.

5. I believe in karma and the rule of 3. So if you do good good things come your way and multiplied by three. You do bad eventually it will catch up and be multiplied 3 times.

6. I love gardening, herbalism, and botany.

7. I love to knit, sew, and draw.

8. I love to read sci fiction, romance novels, horror, and some various x rated stuff. ( I am not against sex it is natural)

9. I believe women and men are equal although I have noticed that many people really can be bigoted against women especially in politics. I mean they say they are with us but they are out for their own interests and many of those interests are trying to take away my rights as a woman it make me feel like a minority when women are at least 50% of the population.

10. I am a Mutt a true American a mix of many different European ancestors and Native American. I can trace many ancestors back several 100 years to the start of America.  Right now I am trying my best to get all the paper work together my great great grandmother and great Aunt had Indian Cards I believe this is part of my heritage.

11.  I work in a Medical Laboratory as a Hematology Technologist.

12.  I was abused by my mothers boyfriend as a child and that opened my eyes to what I will not allow in my life. I even warn children and tell them that if anything like that happens they need to tell me about it.

13. I am a home body. And can at times be antisocial.

14. I have a hard time making friends I don’t know what it is that people don’t like but they just don’t seem to like me or may be its because I don’t hang out often with them for them to become true friends I don’t really know but I would like friends. So far my husband is my only friend and he is my best friend.

15.  So times I like to just be. (My husband can be in the same room with me and we just know what each other needs and some times that is just quiet.

16. I try to be a positive person but that is really really hard sometimes to find the gold lining in everything.

17. I will laugh at myself and hope others do the same.

18. I believe in magic but to me it is just stuff we don’t truly understand and until we do It miraculously happens.

19. I believe in things we can’t see because well I can’t see air but its there.

20. I believe in forgive and forget (if you can). There are times that tough love is needed and basically intervention so although you may forgive you can’t forget.

21.  I love earrings and have 4 on one side and two on the other and hope to one day design an earring that covers that whole lobe on the left side While still being lite weight.

22. My favorite color is green.

23. I love to listen to rock, alternative, new age, and just nature sounds.

24. I have a large family I have 5 sisters and 2 brothers. I have several uncles and aunts. My dads mother had many children and my great grandmother had 22 children (several sets of twins) and she out lived many of her children lived to be 103 years old.

I hope this helps you understand me better.

Oh well!!

Well I should not have bought the greenhouse and I really regret buying it now.  So if you go to Atwoods and see a walk in greenhouse don’t get it The plastic pieces break during high winds even with extra reinforcement . They are cheaply made really expensive (because if they blow down you lose everything you put into it). I was really inconsolable when it first happened and I became incoherent and depressed for several days. I felt as if my heart broke. Because the main reasons I bought it was so 1. I would be out of the weather in a warmer area to start seedlings. 2.I was trying to provide fresh food for my family and seedlings are very important to that cause it wasn’t just my immediate family I was trying to provide for it was all my sisters, my brother, Dad and Wife, and my various Uncles and Aunts. 3. This would have also been a great year to  give to a local food shelter any food that I know I wasn’t going to eat or given to family.4. I love gardening it soothes my soul.  5. I was planing on a flower garden this year because I have a lot of unused area that would have made it nice.

I have a large family they don’t all live here where I live but there is still several people that I live close to and the vegetables would have saved a bunch of money. So I am back a square one with the green house and will have to build something rather sturdy and expensive that I can hardly afford but perhaps I can sell some seedlings to help pay for it not to mention vegetables at the farmers market in town. My husband said he would help me. Now I just have to get my stuff to do it. It will take me a while but at least I will have one.

Pictures of my garden today!!!

My garden doesn’t look like anything right now but I thought I would give you a before everything grows look. Even though there are something s growing in my garden. 

and yes I have to repair my porch. The fact that I live in a 40 foot travel trailer is a bit of embarrassing, but it can’t be helped we are house poor. We can’t afford to rent or buy  so we live on my dads land. He says he is going to give me 5 acres. All I can I say is that we have a good family poor but good family.  The bottom of my greenhouse is full of stuff, I am a bit of a clutter bug, but it also has a purpose which is to keep it from blowing away in Oklahomas massive thunderstorms. As you can see in many places there are already areas duct taped. I hate the cover on this thing the next cover I am going to put together using some greenhouse plastic its much sturder then this stuff I mean after the first wind storm we had there where holes in the roof. I have half a mind to take it back but the other half is telling me no no no no no where are you going to find such a deal only $100 dollars for the thing. So I throw up my hands like I said I am poor so for right now this will do.

Look at my herb pots I planted. Soon hopefully I will have some herbs popping up.

Here is bamboo (I THINK) that my husband got for me I am not really sure what it is it didn’t have a

tag and well it was my valentines gift which came in a little ceramic jar with stones so I planted it. I hope it pulls through the planting.

As you can see in this picture the lettuce didn’t stay in the bed it is growing along the outside of the bed and what is funny is that is from seed done last year. At least here soon I will be able to pull it up for salads.

My garden in the middle of nowhere.  I need to clean up just looking at this picture reminds me I still have a lot of work to do.

Here is my compost pile I know right now it probably looks a bit strange, but I have to pull it all out so that I can get to the good stuff underneath to put into the beds with the newspaper, grass and leaves I put in them also then I place more leaves on top( this is to control weeds that are in the compost out here it is hard to keep the weed seeds from blowing into the compost bin not to mention the crab grass I have to put more newspaper down when I am done to control it all as much as possible.  All the big stems and stuff are going to be pulverized in a chipper and then placed back in to the compost.


Here is the side with all my lovelies that are coming up.  My daffodils and tiger lilies.  But you also see a bale of hay that needs to be burned it has a ton of string throughout the whole thing and isn’t good for anything but burning to get rid of the string horrible but true.  I also stash all my leaves behind the compost heap that I got from some guy that cleaned his yard up after his pecan tree lost all its leaves. Yay for me All that black gold waiting for the worms to eat it.

A New Day

You ever have one of those days you feel relaxed and comforted like everything is okay in the world. Today is one of those days. I just wish I could spend it awake, but I have to work therefore I have to sleep(I work nights).  I will just laz around for a short while get my son off and rolling with his school work (he is homeschooled). Watch the Cat be funny sprinting around like ohh got to get that or what is that and grab for it like you see in the commercials for Puss in Boots. This is the kind of cat that thinks WHATS THAT or THAT or THat or THAt and continuously goes up down up down up down on the bed, through the kitchen through the kids room and back again meowing saying come on you have to follow me.  But over all a relaxing day after work.

Women in Politics

Okay, So I am on a role about Women today, but I guess you can say I feel vulnerable today like my rights being a Woman are being trumped my the zealots of Religion  and Men at that. I WILL NOT Bow Down. Where are our Representatives? There are few women in Congress.  In fact I believe the house is made up of 17% women and the Senate is made up of yes only 17% women where is our representation? Men don’t run this country like they should in fact several Women in both houses are being disrespected by their male peers. Many of the issues brought up by these women are really important yet the issues are thrown to the back burner and then forgot by the majority of congress as unimportant.  I mean really the country is made up of at least 55% women that  means there are more women then men in this country. I know there are a lot of women and men for that matter whom wouldn’t do well because they stick their proverbial foot in their mouth but there has to be professionals out there that can speak and be heard by more people.

I would run, but I just don’t have the means to do so and I could be the one to stick my proverbial foot in my mouth. You have to walk on egg shells when running for a political office and well my family isn’t perfect. I am not a christian, I had many boyfriends before I got married and I am sure they would tell everyone that I am a jealous, angry woman  even though they haven’t seen me for 15 years. I am an introvert I care for others feelings but at the same time don’t really care for other feelings when I feel strongly about something. I am for abortion which would kill me  in the polls, I am for women’s rights,  the right to worship anyway a person chooses as long as it is not harmful to others, I believe in taxes its what keeps our roads and infrastructure going, I believe in Welfare as long as they either  go to school, get on birth control, and try to better themselves (I was on welfare for a short time before I got a good job and went to school), I am for regulation of major economic firms that can make the economy collapse, I think the wealthy should pay higher taxes trickle down economics doesn’t work and they put us in this mess to begin with, I believe that the Judicial branch is just as important as the congress (they need balance), I believe that congress should not make more then the averaged person so no more than 40,000- 50,000 dollars a year +  they should pay a portion of their health care like everyone else no freebies(the average person doesn’t get freebies we pay for everything including welfare, social security, Medicare and their salaries and healthcare), I believe that if you fight for this country that you should be able to get the most freedoms at least while you serve ( the freedom to be free of violence from your fellow country men and women (sexual assault is pretty prevalent in the Military for both sexes but especially for women) They should be able to get free healthcare),  I do believe we need to recycle more and treat the planet better because so far we aren’t leaving  here and our children, and their children have to live with the consequences when we pass, I believe we need to produce more of our own goods instead of buying it from china and other countries, if we buy from ourselves we support our economy, I think people should have the right to buy food from any safe source be it raw milk, or an animal butchered from someone else. The list can go on and on.

I am by no means a feminist. I am married to a loving caring man and we have two beautiful children.  I still think my rights as a person and women trump any religious organisation or morals a business has as to whether or not I get the health care I deserve and pay for, I believe women deserve a vote  because we make up 55% of the populous. WE NEED TO SPEAK OUT AND VOICE OUR CONCERNS.

Politics— Women’s Health Issues

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!

I hate it when an organization, any organization whether it be religious or other wise tells me that I can’t do something for my own personal health and well being. Take for instance Birth Control which has been in the news lately. I like the new health care law yes it needs tweaks, here and there  but what law doesn’t.  I like the fact that no employer can tell me no I can’t have birth control because it is morally wrong. Because it is my right to plan my own family and to make sure I don’t have a surprise child I can’t support.

If congress has their way so many things will happen I mean think about it what is morally against your beliefs. Would you say tell a smoker he can’t have health care for his cancer he now has from smoking because you never smoked a day in your life or a alcoholic that he can’t get medical treatment for his alcoholism. I know I wouldn’t but I am just that sort of person. I think the medical care should be free to everyone. I think Contraception should be free to all Women they don’t have to use it if they don’t want to but in the same breath no one should tell me I don’t have a right to it. I would rather women had access to Birth Control and Emergency Contraception than have an actual abortion. What about those women that are on contraception that would be affected by this MORAL RELIGIOUS MANDATE I think they would have had abortions rather than have that surprise child. Not that I am against abortion,  I personally wouldn’t do it unless medically necessary, but I think its not my right to choose what other women do. They must choose what is right for them.  Yet if Birth control prevents unwanted pregnancies from happening I am ALL for it it. Better than using abortion like birth control.

Update on Book of Shadows

Okay, I am here to update you as to what has happened with my book of shadows. I have many pages done and and figured out how to print them on my printer so that I can do a book format. But feel I haven’t really worked on much just mostly templates for journals, gardening, addresses, to do. I didn’t realize that could be so time consuming. I made a few pages for actual my Belief in Wicca. Life though tends to get in the way and as usually throws a curve ball at us. Its that time of the year to get things done such as planting seeds that can survive this time of year and cleaning the garden if you haven’t done so already (I tend to be a procrastinator really a bad habit I am trying to break myself of). But it is getting done Slowly but surely.

Buncombe Board of Ed debate Pagans vs Bible Thumpers.

I know I said it Bible Thumpers those that have closed their minds off and have become fearful and full of hate for something so different as being Pagan. Angela Pippinger and several others went to a Board of Education Meeting to debate on friendly terms religious activities on the school grounds. Now several had very constructive things to say. And you can read about those from the Pagan Mom live-tweets news page. You can also read what lead up to this debate Patti Wigington Bibles Made Available at NC School, schools examine Religious policy, Fear and Loathing in Buncombe County., and here by Mrs. Pippinger herself.

Yet I have to say that for people to lose control and allow anger and fear to ride them is unreasonable and not very Jesus like at all from what I read in the Bible. I pray to the Goddess and God that people open their Minds, Hearts, Souls to the possibility that people have rights to believe what they want as long as it doesn’t infringe on what others believe. I always say to each his own. Why is it that people want to have others see their way instead of accepting and letting others live without fear of persecution.

Why is it that I feel most days like we are outsiders? I keep an open mind I am wholeheartedly American. I believe in our freedoms Why don’t other Americans. Our Constitution may have been created by our founding Fathers whom were Christian, But they were also the ones to decide that Religion had no place in Government.

SO I SAY allow no Hate to interfere, allow no ignorance to rule, allow everyone the rights to be free to worship the way they want to but leave it out of public School.

The Circus

This last Thursday my family and I went to the circus I had been to a circus before and thought it would be entertaining for my whole family. Well my son decided he didn’t want to go so we didn’t make him although I still feel as if we left him out. We got there and paid for our tickets and since we were early noticed they had set up animal rides. So we set out to see how much it cost and bought a elephant ride for our daughter Salena. She went around twice and petted the elephants head my husband noticed that the elephant look rather bored and sad I had to agree that she did indeed looked bored. Anyway she got down and we went around to the seat via the concessions on the way there our daughter asked if she could get a light up sword and of course we did but told her we could not afford to buy much more. Then we took our sets. It seems like it took awhile for the show to start but we did arrive rather early. Once the show started we got to see a cat trainer and his Bengal Tigers some Yellow some white about ten in all. Some large some small and they all had their tricks and they all wanted to play with the trainers stick that he put meat. It was neat.
Then we heard the roar of an engine and then on a tight rope a motor cycle moved up it attached to it was this metal trapeze with two women. The women preformed many different tricks some upside down splits, one where one women twirled hanging from the back of her neck and head, Some of the trick where really aw inspiring while others not so much.
From there we saw a clown act which was quite the comedy he used stuffed animals at the end one stuffed animal was actually a dog dressed as an elephant and not a wind up toy. My husband and I agreed that was one smart dog to be able to pull off everything it did.
We saw an elephant act with 3 elephants sitting and stomping around their circle do a variety of tricks with each other. Another act of rope tricks with women doing so aerial acrobatics on ropes and still another act with cloth and trapezes. The night was full of wonder.

But I do have to say that it was the most commercialized circus that I have ever been too. Between acts they constantly pushed the vendors selling the various toys, cotton candy, popcorn and drinks. During the intermission there where the rides, and after intermission was the coloring books. All in all, I can say we had fun but at the same time felt like we spent way too much money and I felt as if I was constantly under attack to buy things for my child that she really didn’t need that she wanted just because everyone else was getting it I had to say no way to much. I did break a couple of times to get cotton candy and a water.

Some times I just want to have fun with out spending an arm and a leg. We had fun and I wished we would have brought the camera just to capture those rare moments that were all together memorable.